A COOL MIND

"when love is just not enough"

2012-01-07T11:33:00.005-05:00

She loved him so much that she changed her daily routines to take care of him. He suffered from a stroke, paralysed waist down with no hope of recovery.

This was not a fairy tale as I saw her exhausted face weeks after she became a care giver. They had arguments,tears,regrets but a smile or a laugh was not mentioned even as a word on their next follow up visit.It appeared to me that they were together merely of ones need and others guilt. It felt like that love was just not enough to keep them going.

I knew the fatigue of compassion in care givers but I had not seen bleeding love out of what had been built as a love for life contract. So that was it,when love is just not enough.I wondered.

To some love is life,it adds value to live in what life offers.

Others fantasize love as being separate from the challenges which come with being alive.May be those are the one to whom love is just not enough when challenges arrive.

I think love adds colors of a rainbow to life. Though during build up of dark clouds we sometime lose sight of a rainbow which always come with rain,thunder and sun shine ;so is the love, always enough, always there, always to look for.

"a story with a somber ending"

2012-01-03T00:03:00.011-05:00

He was dying and she was sitting next to his hospital bed holding his hand.

They were high school sweet hearts.Life took them away when they were ready to commit so they went on their separate ways.Both got married, had children and then left behind when each of their spouses died.The miracle of Internet united them after all those years.That was a story of love.

As I saw them happy,I contemplated about their long awaited yearning for unfulfilled love.Both of them were happy in the shadow of a certain death.Though both knew their journey of coming together to be parted soon.

Some may see a romance of a life time in this story,others find a story with a somber ending.

I still wonder about a possibility that the story might be a long awaited answered prayer of some, to meet again at least once in this life time.

"is anxiety a curse"

2011-12-29T20:43:00.005-05:00

She was admitted after a cervical disc herniation which lead to a neck surgery.She was paralyzed. Her arm and legs were off,no movement,no feelings.She was left mostly with emotions.She was anxious,she was crying.That was all very understandable as who would not be if ever in similar situation.

Then good things started to happen.Her arms started to move,her breathing got better and she was able to talk on a volume compensated wean.

The dilemma was her continuous struggle to feel out of control.She was having anxiety all the time so much so that it was compromising her medical care.Luckily help was available right there in hospital.

I have read a quote "a free and relaxed mind is always in meditation".I have also read that "there is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever".

To some anxiety is a curse,no amount of relaxation technique and or chemicals make it completely go away.To others a little bit of anxiety is a motivation to do well in all. Those are the one who know that keep watching your back all the time may lead you to trip and a fall.

"it is important where you put your energy"

2011-12-28T21:42:00.001-05:00

There is a lot of change in health care,always new policies and procedure.This is a norm these days.
Who make those policies on a daily basis.
People compliant about politics and make a big deal about this and that.
Patient care,communication,customer service,cost management,all intertwined in modern medicine.
Results are read as a scale number zero to ten.Nothing stays same,look at yourself.

Where are we going?
Medicine is an art and science,not a business.
It is important where you put your energy.
There is nothing wrong in politics as long as you are not caught in politics.
Be a human,treat life and death as part of a process and die well as you die once.

"he was looking at me"

2011-12-21T22:42:00.003-05:00

He was young and maintained to be alive by artificial means with a breath and a pulse.The rise of medical enterprise has made this possible.We thrive to keep pushing an earthly body till it get totally disintegrated either by dysfunction of organs and implanted devices or invasion by organisms.

He was brought in after a tragic accident from which he suffered multiple injuries. He was wrapped in bandages from head to legs with open areas at his eyes,mouth and neck.His wide open eyes were staring straight like looking at you.He was looking,each member of his family was convinced about that.

Sadly that was not the case.We tried to explain but it was hard for them to bear the burden of unwanted truth.He was brain dead that was the reality.

To some he was looking at them and what he was seeing,no one knew.It was like looking in dark,to see only dark.
To others he was seeing.That was their own self-limiting sight which made them blind of a reality they don't want to see.

As I saw him looking at me,I said hello,I will take care of you.I knew he can't see but I did it as a respect to his looking.

"dna of happiness"

2011-12-10T02:08:00.005-05:00

A tear in an eye at the birth of a child.A smile on a face at the sight of a lover.
Happy moments,quest for happiness.A journey we all want.

She had trouble with her lungs,bladder and bowels so much so that her diseases start to define her as who she was.She was not happy,she was complaining,nothing seemed to working.No amount of reassurance brought her peace.

There were questions :"why she was not happy about anything".
Our answers were ,"one day at a time","body is not a machine","healing takes time".She was struggling to be happy so do we to make her happy.

What is so desirable about happiness that everyone wants it,to be happy,is it a feeling of have it all.

Some may decode DNA of happiness in love,money,material or success.To them it is a feeling of have it all.It is the proximity to a feeling of in control which makes them happy.

Others find happiness in contentment in what they have as that is all.They are the flag carriers of happy band of people who truly invite happiness in their lives knowingly that love conquer,contentment rule.

"one step forward two steps backward"

2011-12-06T19:47:00.008-05:00

He was doing better but not yet out of woods.Life had brought its ceremonial dance of recovery,one step forward two steps backward.

One day he was on fast track to recovery then next day an emerging problem was taking away all gains as he developed fever.After few days he was feeling better then he got diarrhea.His mother got concerned about her son's recovery.She was counting steps,one step forward two steps backward.His recovery was unpredictable at that time.This happens all the times in intensive care,people take time to get better.

As his condition improved and days turn into weeks,his mother was cautiously optimistic.He was then two steps forward with occasional one step backward.

Some people develop synchrony with their ceremonial dance of recovery by acceptance while in the rhythm of chaos.Others invite impatience as their dance partner only to be miserable while recovery happen beyond their understanding in an ungrateful way.

Only a few encounter one step forward two steps backward with grace.Those are the one who keep dancing while music of uncertainty is on.They are the true survivors.

"if i only"

2011-12-03T12:05:00.004-05:00

She was suffering from emphysema that had gone from bad to worse.Smoking cigarette was her thing,no quiting as we talked.

Her lungs were failing to exhale carbon dioxide which lead her to hospitalized.

As she started to get better and ready to be discharged,the importance of smoking cessation was reiterated.I saw a smile on her face,one of those when you think to have a winning argument,and she said,I may still get sick even if I don't smoke because of emphysema.The answer was yes.

She looked triumphed.

Then I smiled,it was a sober moment as I told her,"you will be the only person then to feel bad about yourself lying in a hospital bed telling yourself if I only had not smoked I may have better chances".

There was no wining as she looked sad.I hoped a message sink in before it get too late.

In life there are no guarantees as we have sayings like bad things happen to good people.The one thing make good people good is they have done the right thing when they are required.When bad things happen at least they are not to blame themselves.they don't have to fight if I only thoughts.

In grand scheme of things that is the strongest ally one can have.That is not to fight against oneself.

"it takes a lot of gut to follow your heart"

2011-11-30T00:47:00.010-05:00

I have heard that before.

She was frail,recovering from a heart attack.She looked comfortable and her expressions were like a smiling face.She got married thrice,and always found a new love,she revealed herself.

She was on a roll that day as she continued,our heart speak a simple language from day one of our being in this world.That language never change but we grow up as we believe and start giving meanings to our heart's straight talk.

We never like straight answers especially if those come from our heart,she kept talking to me.That is the cause of all unhappiness and depression.

She gave me something to contemplate that day onwards.

To some matters of heart are beyond common sense and laws of probability.

Others dive in deep to have lines of communication with their own heart.They are the authors of ultimate love stories by following their heart. Those are the people who are guided through life's cake and chaos,like a marriage vow: in health and sickness be there as one.

"building a castle on soft sand"

2011-11-28T21:17:00.003-05:00

I spoke with her family,she was not getting better.They were accepting the fact that their mom will die at some point in her hospital stay.

In the coming days she started to show some signs of stability but her prognosis remain poor.Her kidneys were failing with minimal output,lungs were venting on borrowed breaths.Though she appeared comfortable and lively.

The same family who once accepted the fact of life then start building a castle on soft sand.I saw a yawning of hope in the march of death.

This is life we all struggle to live,I heard from a colleague.

To some it is easy to see what is so obviously there and coming,that's the job of professionals.

Others who watch a slow death of a loved one live and die daily while waiting for the ultimate to flatten their castle on soft sand.

“many are called, but few are chosen”

2011-11-24T15:15:00.005-05:00

I stopped reading the article until I read this "Many are called, but few are chosen.” I wondered,may be how it worked then and every day now.

He was admitted to hospital with a range of medical issues.Those conditions of encephalopathy,hypoxia and failure to thrive lead to final discussion with his family to decide as he would have wished in a situation like that.The decision was made for comfort measures only with withdrawal of medications not fit for the goal of passing away in peace with dignity:no pain,no suffering.

He got very comfortable,so much so that his survival day after day lead the most interesting question asked by his family,why he was not dying?

I answered them,he is a fighter.

Today as I was reading this "Many are called, but few are chosen",I got my answer.

"to step on magic carpet with anticipation"

2011-11-05T15:52:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I struggle between what I want and what I get.I guess we all do struggle this way all our lives.

The other day there was a case of a young woman with a neuromuscular disease that had progressed to respiratory failure and dependence on ventilator.I wanted her to get better,come off ventilator,eat as she used to a few months ago.I was wishful and I had struggles.My conflict of mind and heart knocking on doors of my soul.I asked for be guided and I was lead to do my best.

Another case of an older man with end stage emphysema on high flow oxygen depriving him from eating,sleeping,talking.He was afraid of dying as if he ever fall asleep.He appeared to me like a warrior dying of his own fear of enemy.I wanted him to come out of his fear and breath life.I was wishful and I had struggles,conflict of mind and heart knocking on doors of my soul.I asked for be guided and I was lead to do my best.

We all do have our magic movements in our lives,you may see in the eyes of a lover or in the heart of a seeker.The mystery of universe revolves only if we keep asking and searching,the mystery resolve once we become part of it.

To some magic carpet and magic moments happen only in stories.
To others,magic happen on demand,they only have to do is to step on magic carpet with anticipation,"ask and you shall receive".

So I stood on my prayer rug then knelled and bowed my head asking for guidance in anticipation,"ask and you shall receive".

"walking in a temple,living in a prayer"

2011-10-31T23:47:00.010-04:00

He was a physician,I met him after his admission for respiratory failure due to a progressive neuromuscular disease.He told me that he was a good one and he had diagnosed his own disease at least five years prior to his physician had diagnosed.
There was no treatment so he remained quite and kept his secret until now.

He was the most understanding patient I have ever met,he told me that he was not afraid of dying.He continued by saying that all his life he served his patient with humility,knowing that medicine has cure for a few diseases and most of time it is symptom management.He believed in honouring human life,the most sacred human attribute as a physician.

The other day when his condition got too unstable,I saw waves after waves of people visiting him.I came to know those people were his patients of all those years when he was walking in a temple,living in a prayer,his calling as a physician.

"a fallen Christmas tree on a side walk"

2011-10-27T01:34:00.003-04:00

We are almost there, Thanksgiving is coming soon and then the festive commercial holiday season of Christmas. I was talking to him about future, hope and living for another day to have one more day to live..

He was depressed as being the youngest in his family of six siblings, he was the only one alive. He was well accomplished in his life and now at the cross road of time, he was alone. He told me,he never found time to get marry and have a family. His life was always on the go to end up like this, he said with sadness.

Then he asked me, have I ever seen a Christmas tree after Christmas day on a side walk to be picked up. People discard those festive trees after giving life with decorative ornaments,lights and laughs. He told me that he felt like that tree on the side walk of life.

He died in the winter of that year surrounded by his doctor and nurses.

As another Christmas season is in air it will remind me about him when I will see a fallen Christmas tree on a side walk.

But I also want to remember that when trees surrender leaves in winter,they regain it in spring,that is the cycle of life.

"life offer choices and chances"

2011-10-19T20:46:00.006-04:00

He was admitted after suffering a heart attack then having a pneumonia.While he was recovering from a failing heart,he told me that his wife died after a protracted illness while he was in hospital.He regretted that he was not there when she had her last services.I saw tears in his eyes as he showed me his broken heart.

He was talking about his love,how he missed her,why that happened to him.He cried for his unsaid goodbyes.

He said,If only if he had a choice,he had taken that.But he had none as he was told then that his chance of surviving that heart attack was dismal.

Now he was alive,recovering and soon to be discharged home.

Life offer choices and chances in its majestic scheme of events.Lucky are those who have choices in life.Some may say that luck is a matter of chance not ones choice.

To some his survival from a massive heart attack was a celebration of luck,a matter of chance in hundreds.To others,his life here after will be a matter of choice he has to make,an opportunity he got by chance.

a patient care agenda: an organic solution

2011-10-18T17:59:00.004-04:00

I have learned from holistic care gurus that organic foods and natural cures have no side effects.It sound like a cliche as nature has its own way of doing things, effects which we may not understand and probably not call as side effects as the effects may be rather not so dramatic or upfront.

Recently attending a primary care innovations conference from a leading medical school,it dawn upon me that as a physician group we are either too smart or no-so-smart. I wonder as we are being pushed to become administrators by using business models in our patient care.

Are we missing something really basic in our delivery of health care.This is the question, how to keep patient care simple?

The speakers with very effective power point presentations were conveying data.I saw spaghetti models,fish bone graphs and a slew of informative slides. The words of wisdom were focused on improving health care.It sounded like I can hear the foot steps of a reformed coordinated care model at our door steps.The idea of involvement of teams from office receptionists to physician assistants,nurse practitioners,social workers and physicians is simply wonderful.Another idea of patients being followed by phone calls,power of electronic medical records and creating a dialog among multidisciplinary teams is super wonderful.The one thing was beyond my understanding was that where were the patients as it was so focused on them with savings cost.

As patients focused care models being developed I think physicians are more and more pushed into a management model rather than a workable, passionate and compassionate model.I did go to medical school to serve humanity,I love this profession and the responsibility with privilege comes with being called a doctor.I just love it.I remember going to doctors office with my parents in a different part of world without any manged care.I know my parents loved and respected their doctors,I certainly did. I wonder what is so new when we talk about patient focused models, communications, coordinated care and home visits by a physician caring a bag and stethoscope.I have seen all that but what happened in last decade or so that we the physicians and our patients start speaking different languages,we now need to improve our communication.

I heard in the conference,one speaker saying that "patients get confused that why doctors ask so many questions while patient expectation is to get answers".The real challenge is to incorporate patients in their own care.This is going to be challenging as we know patients come from different back grounds,cultures,regions with different myths,expectations and realities.Each individual patient is a story in its own way,which we call as their history; present,past,social,family.

I think engaging patients in their care with developmental tools to enhance broad based partnership between health care and patient is one of the more rewarding and sustaining cost effective solution in our health care reform.One way of doing so lies in our education system by introducing a curriculum like being a patient what to do and what to expect with resources and simplified do's and don't.The value of preventive medicine in our school systems like drug addiction issues to safe sex education already exist.

Our future generation of texters and tweeters are certainly going to be more deprived of humanly face to face contact with a healing touch as our search for a coordinated electronic care is evolving.I certainly did not go to medical school to avoid an eye contact with a patient in my office to pay attention to properly clicking his symptoms on his electronic medical record.Something need to change but we need to keep humanity as our common destiny.

The concept of caring for a patient as a whole probably need to have a second look from a different eye to see and a different mind to vision.It may come from a patient or from a physician as middle man business concepts are taking away the real spirit of our practice of medicine.As we are stepping forward in our search for a patient driven agenda,an organic solution may be in spinning back to past.This may be a road to future success.

"love is too big to fail"

2011-10-15T20:40:00.006-04:00

She was twenty five years young with a progressive neuromuscular disease,bed bound on artificial means of survival.I was told she like to watch television.

I saw she was living a life with her eyes staring at the television screen.
I saw dreams of some other day in the eyes of those who loved her and professionals who provided care.

I saw her world was confined with her limitations of body,mind and survival needs.
I also saw expansion of others world in love,compassion and acceptance.

Our lives on the planet earth sometimes take us to distenations of extreme compromise to raise us to the final gates of infinite humanity.The common destiny of us all beyond what we have taught of otherwise.

As I took care of her,I saw her family's involvement in those having similar condition.That was their life mission to stay together as a family to be there as life goes on.

"No questions asked,you can come back to your family anytime as together we stand",I was told.

I saw what I heard before,love is too big to fail.

"wearing nothing but a smile"

2011-09-30T22:40:00.005-04:00

Her biggest attribute,according to her family was to wear make up all the times.

She was brought in to hospital with second stroke.Her brain was affected in ways of functioning:communication,perception and control.She was not the same person as she was a week ago.That was the statement by her family.She always wanted to look good.

The days were turning up into weeks.As we were dealing with her on a day to day basis her new attribute appeared as a smiling face.She still looked wonderful wearing nothing but a smile.

After all that happened to her,there she was with a drooling asymmetric face with a smile.

The prognosis was that she will never be the same by the stroke or some may say by the stroke of her luck. She may never need a mirror.

I wondered as whether that was an irony or natures balancing act,by taking away something in pairs and giving back in singles.

"our design as a human being"

2011-09-24T12:01:00.004-04:00

Are we designed to have a Foley's catheter,a tracheostomy tube,a gastrostomy tube?

The question was actually a statement by many of us,we think out loud at times like that.

He was suffering for years from a host of illnesses of mind and body.He survived his siblings without knowing that.He remained in hospital being taken care of his body needs;skin care,infection prevention,nutrition support.

In his case,the quantity of life had way surpassed the quality issue.To be honest the quality was not that bigger issue from the beginning.The subject of cost at the end of life care,the emotional attachment of doing unselfish good,job security to have chronic patients,all can be applicable here.

To some,our design as a human being is well accommodating,to have tubes put into our bodies.This gives us a survival edge.
To others,no amount of intervention even putting our mouth on their mouth bring them back to us.This is life.

"tomorrow's headline"

2011-08-27T20:29:00.005-04:00

He walked in the operation room to never walk again.He said,if he was smart enough he would had walked away from hospital that day.

Life,as usual threw a lemon but that was not making a lemonade moment,so I did not said a word.

He was diagnosed and treated for abdominal aneurysm.After surgery,his life changed from being on two feet to being paralysed hip down.

I saw his daily struggle for each and every drug,prescription,intervention we recommended.He always asked question,always refused in the beginning and always agreed in the end.As time went by I felt for him,who would not do what he was doing by going through what he had gone through.A tragedy of life;never to walk again.

Sometimes tomorrow's headline can be avoided but in his case a news became a tragedy.

To some,our disclosure in terms of risks versus benefit of an intervention is just a talk,nothing happens.To others,the worse possibility happens like winning a tragedy lottery.

"from your mouth to God's ear"

2011-08-06T23:50:00.005-04:00

She was admitted with a fall which led to a broken neck.She required mechanical ventilation to keep her alive.Days of her life changed as she started to learn doing things differently with her disability.

One day she told me that she was never religious but wonder how can she become a religious person now.She was regretful of the lost time as she was turning eighty.As we talked about God and religion,she asked,where was God when she had a fall.Then she questioned,why that happened to her,what good has done to her by God by allowing her to fall.

As days turn into weeks and she was getting better,we did talked about power of prayers as it is;from your mouth to God's ear.

To some,a fall is a fall even though some fall raise them from a mortal to an eternal life of knowing.
To others,God's ways are His ways,we may or may not understand: "we have no knowledge but that which Thou hast taught us;surely Thou art the Knowing.the Wise".

"what is worse than pain"

2011-07-23T12:31:00.007-04:00

Pain scares everyone but she was not one of those scared by pain.I had seen that.She had gone through many procedures for large open draining wounds but pain had not touched her as it did to us by just looking at her wounds.We always wondered why she was not in pain,and the best part of us always cried,she should be in pain.

One day as we did her wound care,she looked uncomfortable making noises.I asked her about pain on the scale of one to ten.She looked at me and said,pain is bearable but what I have is worst than pain,I am extremely nauseous.

To some,the notion of no gain without pain do not go too far.They may need to have luck on their side to have it all.

To others,what is worse than pain,it may be nausea.

"recycled emotions"

2011-07-23T11:08:00.006-04:00

She came to us after a bad fall,she broke many bones.She had no complaint of pain, nor she ever reported any during our ward rounds,nursing care and rehabilitation sessions.

She was tough.She told me that she is just not into pills.One day,she looked quite uncomfortable so I talked to her about my concerns and how we can help in terms of her pain management.She agreed to disagree by saying that she is just sore,it does not hurt.

The next day during rounds I found her crying,I asked her about her pain and offered her help,she declined by saying she was not in pain.Then she continued by saying, the day was reminding her of husband's death twenty three years ago and she still feel so much pain,it hurts.

To some,physical pain is the ultimate cry for help.To others,recycled emotions bring back so much pain that even time cannot heal.

"beyond self righteousness"

2011-07-22T01:17:00.008-04:00

I knew her since we joined our residency program,she was different from other residents.She was upfront,talkative and had a habit of smoking.

Now she was there with a terminal lung cancer.I was sitting next to her bed,her husband was sitting next to her.We were talking about memories of old good times.

I think this is the way people talk when they are going through bad times.All we did was talking and talked about those times when nothing was impossible,death and disease was not a possibility.Certainly not for us.

She told me about many things including how firm she was with patients who use to smoke.How much she struggled to quit smoking,and how she felt when she tried to convince patients to quit when she herself was struggling with it.She finally did.

To some,she was a hypocrite.To others,her act to save others with the same poison which was killing her was beyond self righteousness.

"self controlled experiences"

2011-07-18T23:51:00.006-04:00

He had been in and out of hospital so many times that we all lost the count.Every time he went home he was back in hospital with something new.

He had real issues of heart and lung diseases,and he was told about being on a bonus life many years ago by his doctors.

As I knew him over his stay in hospital,I felt for him.His desires were simple like get better,go home,take care of his bills and house.The problem was his lack of understanding of his life reserves.His lungs,heart,kidneys and joints were not the same as before.

One day he told me that he want to do things in life just make him better.

To some their self controlled experiences of living a life make them miss the living with limitations and adjustments.Others do necessary adjustments to live with diseases as a part of human experience.

I found life's self controlled experiences are life limiting.Those struggle of living,as we know, takes away life from living and who wants to live a dead life.

"paradoxical hope'

2011-07-18T22:52:00.005-04:00

She was dying young as I saw her during our daily morning rounds.She had a failing liver with all hallmarks of it.Her abdomen was distended,her skin and eyes were yellow and her face was pale.The only question came to my mind was,"what she has done to herself".

The sad part was that she was dying young just before the age of medical renaissance.
The age of stem cell now moving towards an age when organs can be build in near future.I thought that with a heavy heart.

As a day turn into a next day over those few days I saw her desire to be alive,she had a spirit of fighter though her chance was dismal.One day I sat down with her during her more lucid movements and told her that. She looked at me and said,"if I manage to be alive I am with my loving family here but if I die I will be with my loving family there".

Surely over next few days as her mind was getting more encephalopathic,she was more and more talking about meeting those who had gone before her.

To some paradoxical hope of remaining in the presence of their loved ones is a concept we ponder as we move on in our own lives. To others it dose not make sense to ask for the same whether alive or dead.

I think paradoxical hope is a mean to come to terms in whatever outcome we get and be in peace .

"wisdom of ages"

2011-07-12T20:52:00.002-04:00

He was a successful businessman.He got older and sick.His problems included a complicated pneumonia,failing heart and an anxious mind.As he started to improve he got more anxious about his business.He knew it all,he had plans for next hundred years.

One day I asked him about his plans after his full recovery.He told me how other people are missing and messing things in his business.He would have done this way,others were doing things that way.I saw that he was not happy,he was worrying about everything;decisions,contracts,payroll,bills.

To some their aging experience teach them to delegate responsibilities and trust people.Others fight to regain their control as they have done all of their lives.The struggle of managing stuff keep them away from experiencing a chance,probably the last chance,to sit back,relax and let go of what is not so important.

I think the real adventure start with losing the control and being cool while watching others taking care of your stuff in their own style.That is the wisdom of ages:faith,discipline,unity.

"no wi fi required"

2011-07-02T13:10:00.003-04:00

We all age with time.Our timing measure success,luck,rise or fall,you name it.I was talking to a grieving widow.She was in her sixties and whose husband passed away recently.The multitude of medical issues made it clear to us that it will take time to heal wounds inflicted by time and disease.
Her wounds included those of mind,soul,feelings and loss.

I was ill,when he died,I was in hospital.She told us when we had our ward rounds.
I don't know what happened to him,I was not there for him.I miss him so much. She said with tears rolling down on her face.

I looked at her and held her hand,during that moment I wanted to be honest and compassionate,not always an easy one.
I said,I am sorry for your loss,he is not in this world but what can we do to make this world as beautiful as your love for your late husband.

She looked at me,and said,Have you had lost a loved one.

As I looked at her eyes,she saw my teary eyes.She smiled,"I am a teacher with two masters degrees,I know all".

To some personal stories need a paper,pen and audience,others tell stories in tears with eye to eye contact as no wi fi required.

"When wives become mothers and husbands become fathers"

2011-06-26T23:57:00.004-04:00

He was kept alive on a ventilator for respiratory failure for years.He was also suffering from dementia with no voluntary function.I met him and felt heart broken for his wife,who was visiting him,rain or shine,every day.She was changing his clothes,talking to him and talking to us on his behalf.I saw that she was keeping cartoon channels on TV for him.One day I asked her about him,as I knew him then only as a name with a medical history.I had no knowledge about him as a person,I wanted to know his voice,his opinion,his wants,his passions.

How was he when he was him,I asked.
He was a loving person.I love him,she replied and then start flipping TV to a cartoon channel.

All her routines;washing,cleaning,nurturing look like of a mother,protecting her precious bundle of joy.I could see a wife in love,I saw her hoping against a situation with no hope.

As I watched her caring for her husband,as months turning into years,I wondered how chronic diseases take toll on loved ones.I saw an interesting reality as I noticed when wives become mothers and husbands become fathers.

"quote"

2011-05-23T22:58:00.000-04:00

"Faith is the power to stand up to the madness and chaos of the physical world while holding the position that nothing external has any authority over what heaven has in mind for you"

Caroline Myss

"I love being in love"

2011-04-15T01:19:00.007-04:00

He was a writer and he was in bed.What a combination,he had all the time in world to observe and pen down his thoughts.His muse was the hospital environment so to say that.

All day while recovering from his hip surgery,besides physical therapy he was thinking and working on his novel.One day he asked me,what do I want,a loving heart or a forgiving heart.I knew what I want but that was not the point.

He smiled as he saw my reluctance and said,he will take a forgiving heart over a loving heart in a split second.

I wondered,what was so great about forgiveness that even love cannot compete.I did not ask that question.

Now I am reading his novel with a proclamation that a loving heart is a forgiving heart.

I love being in love!

"cactus in paradise"

2011-04-15T00:56:00.005-04:00

From the time he was diagnosed,he never felt well.Every day was a struggle.

He was a naval personnel whose life was marred with exposure to asbestos.He developed mesothelioma as a consequence.The invasion of tumor progressed like a conquering army destroying every fiber of his being in its way.

One day during examination, I noticed his chest with a growth which eventually became something like a cactus.I saw that with open eyes,though I wanted to close them.

He did not suffered much as he died soon.I think back with a feeling of sadness.

How our experiences in life affect our psyche so much so that I prayed for his moving on in peace.I did struggle for that prayer.

I hope may there be no cactus in paradise.

"he was stuck in present"

2011-04-13T23:18:00.008-04:00

There was no one out there to take care of him,I was told that he was hospitalized for years.His medical conditions warranted a level of care which could only be provided in a hospital setting.I saw him day in day out,starring at roof,drooling,connected to oxygen,feed by tube.That was his life.No word,no past,no future.He was stuck in present.

Sometimes It takes a life to give a life.In that situation,It felt like all that was taking life out of life.

The sad part was that he looked to me as being suffering without knowing.I knew that he had dementia.That not knowing was his blessing,I did not agreed.I felt his pain of not knowing.

I wonder what ones suffering does to other being may be the truest life lesson we are supposed to learn.
In our knowing and feeling of others suffering,the notion may not be to get down but to rise and stand up for those who cannot stand for themselves.
The weakest stand up may be feeling sad for a sufferer but the highest calling can be holding hands and pulling up the fallen ones.

I stood up for him as I remembered that humanity is our common destiny.

"obituary of a dream"

2011-04-10T23:58:00.007-04:00

There can be an obituary of a dream,I agreed.But what I was reading was titled as an obituary of a love.How can love die,I am asking this question.

They were a so to speak a perfect couple,they met each other on a cruise while both vacationing though separately in their sixties.They fall in love and got married.The fairy tale stories are never ending though their story ended with a heath issue.He suffered a heart attack,sudden without any prior history.He underwent bypass surgery,complicated with a stroke,then pneumonia,ventilator support and later did not recovered.

Over days of care and keeping her informed,I learned as if their match was made in heaven,it appeared they were soul mates too.She adored him so much that I wondered how life sometime takes a life time to reveal.Why now was the question,like this ,to just take it away.

She told me that she will post an obituary,and I was reading that.

To some,love strike with a cupid only to pierce their heart to bleed,leaving behind memories to talk about without a celebration.

Too late,to end so soon,love is mysterious in its own way.That was her closing line.

"nature groom's us to grow up and grow out"

2011-04-10T09:57:00.004-04:00

The purpose of life is to live with experiences.Some may say that life is a live in experience.Nature does groom us to grow up and grow out.The struggles of life brings questions like why good things happen to bad people and why bad things happen to good people.Why young die and old live,the disasters of wars, tsunamis, floods, earthquakes,famine.While lives of thousands change forever,lives of billions remain unchanged.There are joys,sorrows,issues of global warming, corruption,job security, traffic jams,births,marriage,divorce,disease.Every one live in experiences,some may say that we live in a recycle of experiences.

He was young and he wanted to be a basket ball star.All his heroes were game players.When I met him,we develop instant connection.He talked about every single game,he did not miss a single game.He told me that he was pretty fast in court.I saw his college video I agreed, man he was electric.

He was admitted to hospital after a gun shot.The bullet lodged at his spine.He survived but became paralysed waist down.He will never walk again.He told me once that life has played game with him.

Over years I saw him growing up and growing out.He got involved in life,with life,for life.He enjoyed game and talking about it.I wondered how person of his age got wisdom of ages for survival.He made us look tall,while he remained bed bound.

To some,when life experiences bring a challenge of survival they take it with a choice.Nature then groom them to grow up and grow out.Others struggle in their lives to experience more until they become ready.

"readiness to accept"

2011-04-09T07:03:00.004-04:00

He was in hospital for almost a year,before that he was still ill.

When I met him ,he was a nonverbal,emaciated,contracted man.Only way to know about his ways of life was through his involved wife. She claimed that he was a good man.

I know that bad things can happen to good men and I know that there is a reason behind this,though our capacity to reason has its own limitations.Over all he was a good man stuck in a body with a stroke of fate.

Over time of his illness,his lungs start to failing then he became dependent on a ventilator.He got pneumonia,and develop sepsis.A decision was made to keep him comfortable via opiates and anxiolytics.We all were ready to accept the ultimate outcome,day after day,as those pass by in moments of anguish and struggle between life and death,we saw a life which does not want to leave a body.

He got better !!

His wife had tears of joy,she said,he always does this to her.Lord has answered her payers.she was ready for that for years.

I wonder,how much our readiness is enough to accept situations as they are,without a tear,without questioning and without doubting ourselves.

To some, they find readiness to accept with ultimate demise of hope in time.Others find their way to cope,as being human,in prayers.

"meeting strangers at the last station"

2011-04-03T18:59:00.004-04:00

In our line of duty we meet total strangers,some of those become routine acquaintances,others become friends.

Even those who we serve as a face,touch our lives in a unique way,they guide us at our own crossroad of life's experience.We talk if they can then we know who they are.

The short coming of a medical record is the division of a patient's life into a format which includes present compliant,history and examination.The time constraint of modern day medicine practice create lack of a personal touch.

I am honoured to know so many patients who in the beginning were total strangers,who then became friends.They left at their time of departure,but meeting those strangers at the last station make me think,the fundamental question:how much success in this world is the real success.

To some,the last station in their journey is a hospital bed with a Tracheotomy,Gastrostomy and a Foley's catheter.I wonder what would they have done differently if the foresight of their limitations at last station had been thought through before hand.Our basic needs to breath,to eat,to void can make us so incapacitated that at times no amount of name and fame can bring those back.

Life is a journey and the purpose of life is to live with experiences without missing the sight of departure at the last station.Good byes can be so long.
This can be our own story in making,a foresight of what is important now and what future will hold.

"flowers are forever"

2011-03-29T23:07:00.002-04:00

i saw her arriving in the ward on a stretcher with a bouquet of purple flowers neatly tucked in to her sides.
It looked nice but the overall picture was not so rosy.The multitude of health issues were there to deal with besides her age.She was 80 years younger who made you wondered how she managed out so far.

Overtime I knew about her,her pains,her life,passions and hobbies.One of her hobby was to send flowers to people in their good times and not so good times.I learned that flowers are natures gift,a way of decorating our lives with color,fragrance and delicacy.

I saw that every few days she was receiving a nice bouquet and her room was becoming a wonderland of exotic flowers.Flowers say it all even without a message card,she told me that. If I have to live again I will live as a flower she continued.

That was my last conversation with her.She left behind tons of flowers,all reminded us of her presence,even though she was not there.

Yes,I remember her words:flowers say it all even without a message card.

To some of us she touched our lives with a different perspective;flowers are forever as is her memory.

"wish you were here"

2011-03-27T13:05:00.003-04:00

Life is not easy to live.The pain of hanging on is sometimes more severe than hanging in there.

I have heard enough stories of people losing their spouses at home.Sometimes expected though at other times suddenly in their sleep in their own bed just next to them.People live with a scar of unfulfilled love when that happen,sudden death,no warning ,no sign.

He was dying in hospital with cancer,a progressive,erosive tumor causing pain and suffering.His wife was there all the time,as were we.He was asked to have any thing and every thing what ever he would liked.He asked for a beer and his wife got it.I remember that afternoon,he had a beer,we browsed through his photo-album of world wide cruises,pictures of waves,wind,rain and shine.

He looked at me with a smile,rather strangely and said,I am glad I met you at this time.I can't thank you enough.

I felt tears in our eyes,no words,no voice heard though our silence said it all.He was dying,he knew that.

To some experiencing death with a dying spouse is as devastating as to others a death without goodbye,sudden unplanned.

How it happen,why it happen remain beyond mind and reason,though a desire of "wish you were here" stays on with those left behind.

"story of my life"

2011-03-05T23:34:00.001-05:00

She was young and had issues of mind and body.I saw that she was bleeding from her forearm,as I walked into examination room.

I was told that she did cut herself.She had a history of that.Her whole arm looked like a scratch board with prior cutting scars.The bleeding from new cut stopped within minutes as I applied dressing.

So you will be getting a scar,don't do that,I told her.
She replied,I don't care,this is the story of my life.

To some living with a scary story give them a role in life,though a short one.Others recreate their story by healing their scars.

I do'nt know her story as there was no story teller.The only question I ponder is how to find those healers amongst ourselves who might cure scars.

"to give God a second chance"

2011-03-02T00:05:00.004-05:00

He was young with no serious health issues,though taking care of him as a patient was not an easy job.

He was admitted with a complaint of severe chest pain piercing through front of his chest,all the way back to his spine.In ordinary situations,just this compliant can be a daring diagnosis.Though not in the case I was dealing with,as all of his tests came back negative.We all felt so relieved and happy as he was not a stranger patient,he was one of us.

I spoke with him afterwards,as what was going on.His test were all good but why he had this pain.He blamed all that to stresses in his life.I suggested that he should rest, keep faith and pray.

He responded that he lost faith since his younger brother died as a young man.I felt sad but still I said it,"give faith a second chance".He looked at me in a way that I still wonder what was that about. I felt a struggle deep down in myself as I told him "to give God a second chance".

I don't know how those words came to me,though I wish he may find faith,as he had it once upon a time.

Some may say that you can't lose something if it was your's before,certainly it include faith.

"quote"

2011-02-23T23:27:00.003-05:00

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him".

"miracles do happen"

2011-02-10T22:30:00.005-05:00

He had suffered a massive stroke that was the reality and their life froze to a point where nothing was moving.

She sat by his side,everyday,talking to him and reading, though he was unresponsive. A bible by her side, many pages tabbed "so I can go exactly where I want to in a second". The prognosis was grim and she was so calm. Though lying so sick in the bed, a massive stroke having robbed his reason and presence, the aura of the strong and handsome man who was her husband could not be hidden. "He spoke to me today", she said so hopeful. 'Did he really?' we all wondered, medically seeming an impossibility.

So often loved ones see and hear what they want to. 'Maybe', we concluded, because this is what we all wanted to be the truth and, of course; miracles do happen.

"is knowing that is enough"

2011-02-05T23:30:00.003-05:00

Her eyes were bright but full of fear.She was suffering from pain and anxiety along with diagnoses of multiple organ cancers.There was the struggle of a lifetime,to be alive with a decent quality of life.

One day she told me that she does not want to die and she will fight for her life.I knew that she knew the truth. I saw a losing battle but I could not say that.Her life was her own struggle knowing that there may not be a tomorrow.

The days of our life are counted on a calendar,likewise her years had been counted.We all walk around carrying a ticking clock without knowing that at some point our battery will ran out.She knew that her clock was dying.

To some,death is the departure from pain and suffering.Others fight to be alive to endure pain of living.

What is so great about life that we all cling to it as there will be no death. I wonder,is knowing that is enough.

"second best thing in life"

2011-02-01T23:33:00.003-05:00

She was not young anymore,age always is a relative time-meter anyway.Her problems were different.She had acute and chronic medical issues ranging from respiratory failure with a tracheotomy,a feeding tube,generalized muscle weakness and developmental delay.

She did surprise her medical team by getting better with a speed only she could maintain.Once she came off ventilator,she start talking,a nonstop talk about her fiance,though none existed to our knowledge.

We did not confronted her,no one knew the truth behind her veil of mind.We were just happy for her.Her passion was obvious,she was on a speedy recovery and she was in love.

If our breath is the first best thing in life,some may ask what is the second best thing in life.I say,being in love.

To some,as we know, it may even take a breath away.

"love was in air"

2011-01-30T00:10:00.000-05:00

Everyone of us have a story.Though everyone of us may not have a title of our stories.Truly just being alive is a story,as simple as that.

He was admitted with respiratory failure on a ventilator.He had a failing heart and a losing brain.He could not talk,breath,recognize.His life was dependent on machines and medicines.He was alive,as some of us said,because his time was not yet up.

His story was rather untold until I saw him while she came to visit him.In her presence,he started mouthing words,he was smiling,his heart rate went high and he needed medication.Everyone saw what happened but no one knew how it happened.

To some,life,love and soul mate remain fascinating aspects of stories of life.To other,how he felt what we did not, remain beyond reason and understanding.I felt though love was in air and he breath in as life.

"a persistent hugging state"

2011-01-09T22:35:00.002-05:00

He was getting better day by day.He was funny and was in love.All of us were happy for his long awaited recovery until one night his heart rate got out of control.Matters of heart,as we know, are always serious weather in romance or in medicine.His heart stopped,the circulation of blood stopped and then with resuscitation he was revived. A life saved in front of us.

The cost was high.His brain got severely affected by lack of oxygen during moments when heart had stopped.Again in romance or in medicine heart rules brain follows.

Over days to follow his recovery,it was saddening.He was on a ventilator and he had developed contracted arms and legs.He was mouthing words,unable to recognize,unable to see,unable to voice love to his loved ones.

Life with its mysteries bring stuff which we interpret according to our desires.

To some, his tightly contracted arms againgst his chest were a persistent hugging state while others saw an incapacited man with a terrible outcome in modern day life saving endeavor.

Quote

2011-01-03T23:33:00.002-05:00

"The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring"

Oscar Wilde

"it has legs"

2010-12-30T19:19:00.006-05:00

Life has given him real chances to live,as we saw him recovering after getting a kidney transplant.The hardest part though was to look at him.A man who was lying there cut short knees down.A serious consequence of his illnesses.

He was suffering from heart,vascular and renal failures.His blood vessels were totally incapacitated,so much so that it was hard to find a vein and artery to put a dialysis catheter to keep him alive,so he got a new kidney.

As he was getting better and moving on in his life's experiences I saw foot steps of a kind gentle soul.He left giant steps of appreciation,gratitude and love to all.I was glad that his soul was with strong footings and it has legs.

To some,limitations of their bodies dwarf their existence in life while others make their bodies a form of reference so we mortals can see beyond.

"fear of what if"

2010-12-26T02:05:00.003-05:00

Suffering from a devastating neurological disease had taken away hope from her. She looked frightened to me. She was diagnosed with ALS and her body did failed her before her mind.A ventilator was keeping her alive.

Everyday during rounds we saw that she had tears and she did cried ,though she denied any pain and anxiety. She was quite adamant that she was not depressed. The very next few days she looked better, more smiles as I told her to keep smiling. That was a doctor’s order and she was folowing to be lively again.

To our surprise as patient was getting comfortable,though her disease was progressing, her daughter got more and more worried about her mother’s care to the extent of interfering medical management.It made us all feel challenged that how come the daughter had not seen that her mother was very comfortable and feeling better.It dawn upon us latter when her daughter revealed that what if she might have similar fate like her mother. It was her fear that was driving her where she was,anticipation of unknown,her own fate.

To some, fear of their own “what if” vulnerability make them do things what they would have not done otherwise.To others, acceptance of unknown make them sleep at night when they put their head on a pillow of faith.

"can God just take him"

2010-12-09T21:01:00.005-05:00

He was suffering from poor lungs and his back pain had made him crippled. He could not breath as well as could not move because of severe spine disease. Every day was a struggle for medical team as his pain was not responding to medications.

He looked like he will die but suddenly his antibiotics start working, and his pain seems to be reasonably controlled. We were happy of our accomplishment of saving a life.

The patient still looked like exhausted of his life’s marathon.His wife of 40 years told us,”I can read him like a book,he can’t take it anymore”.Then she said,”can God just take him”, she had tears in her eyes saying good bye,go to God.

The very next day he went to God.

To some,keeping the string of life attached while a loved one suffers is a matter of their own association with life.For others,freeing a loved one to go to God is the ultimate tribute to love of their life.

"from totally incapacitated to fully in control"

2010-12-07T23:58:00.007-05:00

She had been diagnosed with a neuromuscular disease which was progressive and effecting her body and soul.She was physically limited and spiritually exhausted.She was tired,she was fearful.Everyday she needed to be reassured.Many times a day she needed to be reminded that God was with her.

The hospital days for her become longer and longer as she was losing her physical strength.Surprisingly the strength in her right hand remain as strong as it was at beginning.She was able to write though she was not able to talk due to her progressive weakness.

Her writings were clearly one of her signature style.There was fear, hope, memory, gratitude. Finally the day came when her hand,the only strong part of her body,gave up on her.That was the day we all felt as though we all became paralysed.We were numb,it felt like we all had a cut that just won't bleed.

Her final communication was a drop of tear as it rolled down from her right eye.We knew that was all she wanted to tell us,we knew there was fear,hope,memory,gratitude.

To some,losing physically is like losing all battles.For others,losing physically is the beginning of a next stage of journey,from totally incapacitated to fully in control.

"to wake up with someone beautiful like you"

2010-11-28T23:49:00.008-05:00

She had been suffering from shortness of breath,generalized edema and cellulitis amongst her other health problems.Her confussional state of mind was certainly not helping whatever left out of her.Over days of care and treatment she started to improve,mind and body got coordinated but new dimensions of life stressors were wearing her down.

She told me that her husband got so stressed out with her illness that he had not visited her for days.She was unhappy of not being with her husband as "he missed her at home".I did my doc-talk and let her feeling vented by a heart to heart conversation.

The very next day as I went to see her in her hospital room I saw a beautiful bouquet on her table.I praised those flowers,she responded by saying,"it is an expensive one".Then she said,"it is always good to wake up with something beautiful to look at".

I was curious but I never knew,who was the sender of that bouquet.What I saw there was a personal yearning of love,her love for her husband.
"To wake up with someone beautiful like him to look at ",those were the missing words which I so much wanted to hear then but words remain unsaid.

To some flowers are the encrypted face of our heart desires,our love or loss.For others a bouquet is a constant reminder of love,to wake up with someone beautiful like you.

"it is,it is,it's ok,it's ok"

2010-11-14T23:10:00.003-05:00

She had multitude of medical illnesses affecting her body and I had noticed that her mind was also struggling then with words finding.It was extremely difficult to have a reasonable conversation but she could be heard from many rooms away.Her repetition of words were some how limited to those words:
"it is,it is,it's Ok,it's OK".

As time goes on nothing changed physically she showed some signs of improvement,sitting up in chair,self feeding at the tops.I had also noticed a smile on her face too.The most amazing experience was one day when she addressed me with a smile and said,"doctor".Then her words were the same:"it is,it is,it's Ok,it's OK".I remember that her addressing to me as a doctor had my day but I wondered about those words days after days.Those words were out right full of wisdom,perhaps acceptance,surrender,contentment and compassion in the shortest spoken words.

I did never found out what was she thinking when she was repeating those words.But I was able to make her smile by simply asking for one.That was my
ultimate conversation with her then her words echoed in my ear:"it is,it is,it's Ok,it's OK".

Life experiences,at some point in our lives,had made some of us either a philosopher or a hopeless lover.We learn and speak about mind,body and soul.We pride ourselves in becoming true to ourselves.We look for signs in complexities and chaos missing the simple path of enlightenment.

To some,life is a struggle to find out how she said it all so simply and to others,life is "it is,it is,it's Ok,it's OK".

"the most content soul of all"

2010-11-09T01:19:00.007-05:00

He was a well accomplished doctor who was now a patient. He was living on a ventilator, as life had almost taken away his breath.

The other day he got my attention by tapping his service table. He wanted attention all the times as we knew rather by a surprise. He was a practicing physician when all that happened which change his role from a doctor to a patient in the house of gods.

One day he wrote down that he has so much to offer but his limitations had made him useless. I looked at him, I told him that he was the best in what he used to be. Just keep the memory alive with thoughts of those times when he helped strangers,as we call them our patients. He remained miserable as he got stuck in his thoughts.

To some,being valuable by offerings is the only way they value themselves.To others, being who they really are matters at all,their struggles start and end with them, they own their experiences.They may have the most content souls of all.

I wish he may had valued himself as who he was once upon a time !

"I did not cry"

2010-10-29T02:02:00.008-04:00

As I knew him, his face with expressions of life was his only moving part. He was paralyzed neck below and kept alive on a ventilator. His smile was his only widow to life.

As time goes on his body got stiffened. His arms, legs, and trunk shrunk and he became one block of a body. He looked to me like a giant graceful tree with his roots fixed deep in earth and his soul trapped in this tree. Life with its mysteries surprises us all.Living a life in a body which had been paralyzed and stiffened made me thinking about the giant trees with deep roots which live for ages.

To some he looked like a tree,with branches of smile,standing firm against odds of being up rooted and quick death.To others,he looked like a body waiting for total decay.

I took care of him day after day,I felt overwhelmed but I did not cry.

"fearful of even a napkin's fall"

2010-10-23T00:42:00.005-04:00

She was the youngest daughter of her mom.She had a neurological disease and she was dying young.Everyone in her family was afraid of the unavoidable happening.There was sadness in the air.Her mother was crying with the knowledge that she will out live her daughter.In normal life this was not the way death is dealt with,we all knew.

As she remained hospitalised her family seemed to understand the progression of her disease.Day after day,she was getting weaker.I saw the fear of death was building up to the point that even a napkin falling off the dinning table could send her in jitters.She was afraid of death.

Though our meetings with her family had brought them in terms with their loved ones neuromuscular condition and her final fate,but somehow that understanding made that patient more lonely.She was left out to deal with her own battle.There was a struggle to be fearless in a fearful condition.

I saw that as she was then fearful of even a napkin's fall.I wondered what got to her besides the obvious.There was no unknown in her condition.May be she was grieving alone as her family was getting more accepting of her fate.

To some,family support matters a lot when they grieve together as it make them connected and strong.To others,grieving alone make fear an undesirable companion.

"perfect match"

2010-10-16T15:25:00.005-04:00

When I first saw her,she had a big abdominal surgery.Her colon was removed and she had a bag attached for bodily function.Over time after multiple ups and downs she started to get really better.She had then this cheek to cheek smile,talking non stop,greeting everyone.Her days were as good as her nights.That's a big sign of improvement for hospitalised patients.

One day during my rounds,her husband told me that they are married for 40 years,they are kind of a soul mate and he had a similar bag like his wife's for the past 20 years.He was kind of delighted.I looked at his wife during our conversation and she said,"perfect match,we both have bags now."

How some couples keep justifying what they have in common to show their strength of relationship is probably over rated.There is no soul mate on the ground of commonality.

To some, similarities bring them close to each other but in reality it is the opposites which keep the passion alive. This may be the secret of a relationship lasting a life time.

"he had tried all drugs except heroine"

2010-10-08T23:51:00.005-04:00

He was sick.His liver was effected,so were his heart,lungs and kidneys.While talking to him,he mentioned in one of his proud moments that he had tried all sorts of drugs except heroine.His rationale was that heroine could make some one hooked on to it.He never wanted to be an addict so he did not do heroine.

Looking at him was a sad picture.He was young but he looked someone twice his age.He had build up fluid in his abdomen and lungs.His heart was failing,so were his kidneys.That was all in all drugs related loss.His body was decaying so were his dreams.

How some people keep their prospective about drugs and addiction while doing it is a shocking reality.Drugs kill people overtime slowly in a painful way which some of us even cannot empathise.

To some,living a life with drugs is like living in an extreme sport.To others,the struggle is how to respect someone if they had disrespected their own body with drugs !

"she can't die on her birthday"

2010-10-04T21:38:00.004-04:00

The daughter was in tears,her mother was dying.

The daughter had been updated several times over a period of time regarding her mothers condition. Every passing by day she had a lesser chance of keep surviving. Her diseases,her age,her wishes were all lined up to tell the truth.Life was moving on to death.As we discussed her mothers condition the daughter was in tears.She paused and said,"she cann't die on her birthday,doctor". I felt her words,I looked at her,I kept eye contact but could not say a word.

She was a VIP, as we called her.That was because of her age,her looks and her being here on earth like an over extended stay.

Sadly she died on a birthday.Aging years ceased with a breath-stop.Celebration of a life turned into a celebration of lives she touched.

How does it really matter to live beyond a birthday when ones death is at the door steps.The question with many answers.

To some,it is a matter of proving longevity while for others a last salute:
welcome and farewell intertwined.

"I love you too"

2010-10-02T17:53:00.007-04:00

"I love you too",those were his last words.She got confirmation of his love for her finally.Those were his final words.

He was incapacitated from his medical conditions and only things he could do was open his eyes.No movement,no words.He was dying.

Every day during hospital course his fiance visited him. She held his hand and her words for him were clear and to the point,"I love you".She had gotten no reply days after days,then weeks after weeks.She was so much in love that she wanted to marry him even under those dire conditions.He couldn't,as his "I do" no one could hear.

As she told everyone the words which made her complete in love,we may wonder why he said what she heard.

To some,being in love keeps them alive,for others a love story make them eternal.

"goodbye old jello"

2010-10-01T00:51:00.004-04:00

The patient had a non stop coughing spell. He had prominent neck veins and beet red face.He was aspirating food all the times.This was his one of many hospital admissions for recurrent pneumonias.

Finally it was decided by medical team to have him nothing per orally.He almost begged for at least having jello for him.The request was granted with understanding of risks by the patient.Sadly he aspirated again.

As I discussed with him about risk of dying from aspiration of food and now for him no food,eating or drinking,for life.He looked at me,smiled and said,"goodbye old jello".That was a sobering moment.

How some people find words to say it all is funny and heartbreaking.To some eating food is life,for others life is not eating at all.

In reality,the choice seems to be a forced one !

"where is compassion"

2010-09-24T22:13:00.005-04:00

She was dying from day one of hospital admission.Her disease was spreading and no improvement was noted in her condition despite of modern day handy knowledge,men and machines.

Finally family gathered to convey wishes of the person who was getting all sorts of life saving treatments.They disclosed that their loved one never wanted heroic measures and let her die.

While deciding end of life care and measures to keep her comfortable,the notion of compassion was said loudly and silently.The question was raised that since she never wanted all that had been done why delay her death.Each ongoing moment was a disregard to her wishes of dying on her terms.The question was asked,"where is compassion when we delay her death".

To some sitting down,taking time,feeling the love and letting go of the tightly held hand is all part of compassion.

To be honest,in the final analysis we all strive for a decision we can live with comfortably.

"family need your signature right now"

2010-09-22T23:47:00.002-04:00

The physician assistant working with me handed over a piece of paper from some bank. She asked me to sign it,“family need your signature right now”.

The patient was an elderly male just admitted to my service with all sorts of brain bleeds, intracranial as well as extra cranial. He was almost unresponsive. I knew medical part but to my surprise instead of patients medical status update I was asked to sign a paper from a bank. I looked at the physician assistant and said, “No”.

How some families move on to daily life businesses in a fast pace in the midst of a bad prognosis is astounding. Not to over analyze, as Freud's saying, “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar”, our paranoia about word ‘family’ sometime make us question sincerity of their actions in the midst of a bad prognosis.

To some a quick acceptance of a bad prognosis is quite unhuman.

The acceptance does not only prove that Darwin was so right about evolution and survival of the fittest but probably also prove that for self perseverance humans have yet to evolve.

"food is a medicine"

2010-09-21T00:22:00.004-04:00

She was admitted with multiple medical problems.Failure to thrive was one of those.Eating food was just not her cup of tea.Always critical about food served to her.Sometimes complaining about taste,the way cooked,undercooked,overcooked,too sweet,too salty,no taste and the creative list goes on.The most amazing argument was when she started to say that "she is full".

Over time her sustenance was provided with tube feeding.Since nasogastric tube was cosmetically not favourable to her,she opted for per cutaneous gastrostomy tube.What a choice,we all wondered.The paradox was that she had no reason not to eat food in a normal way.

How someone get so focused on to not to enjoy life's one of simple oral pleasure is a topic for research.The answers can be varied with different reasoning but can it be as simple as declaring food is a medicine !

"may you keep healing"

2010-09-20T00:18:00.003-04:00

She was admitted with a large abdominal wound open to external world with surgical stay sutures.She had others problems too,heart,lung,kidneys you name it. She was too complicated to be alive.

The one thing about her though was her amazing attitude.She was pleasant,hopeful,not too much concerned.She was dealing,rather living in her medical conditions,with an understanding.

During course of hospital stay,she got better and better.The failing organs were recovering and her wound was healing.Her wound nurse always saying to her,"may you keep healing"and to us,"treat whole patient not the hole".

How some people keep healing in the midst of difficult odd is fascinating.
To some it might be a matter of faith.To other a matter of luck.

I saw that as a prayer in action !

"no home to go back"

2010-09-19T11:51:00.003-04:00

He was a all rounder all his life.That was his claim.The medical conditions he was suffering made us belive in his claim.He was a hand full with daily issues.Almost all consult services were involved in his care.

His other talent was being a non stop talker.The stories of his accomplishments,how he lived his life with fun.All life experiences,free love,making money,trying stuffs and the stories after stories about this beautiful house of his dream where he had invested all of his passions.

He will never be able to return to his home with his condition.That was the reality,some say harsh reality of life.

How some one plan life but miss the part of thinking from the end.This is a history lesson.Most people live in a struggle to achieve.
To some Life is a Lie though fill in with Fun which ends up in a hospital or nursing home bed with no home to go back !

" I want to get married"

2010-09-18T08:26:00.004-04:00

She was 20 and beautiful.She had a smiley face with short life expectancy.Everyone knew from beginning but no one want to believe.You have to see her to become an unbeliever.How she can die,the question with unmerciful answer.She was dying,rather fast with cystic fibrosis.

All our efforts were finally failing.I was assigned to discuss end of life with this patient. As I entered her room to tell her about her condition and our thoughts,she looked at me with teary eyes and said",I don't want to die".

The moment was stopped,life frezed.I was with tears in my eyes.I agreed with her that this is not the time to die",but we all will die at some point in time". She agreed and with a smile she said,"I want to get married".

Over next 12 hours she was married to love of her life.

How death takes away a life,it does seem so cruel when we see a random happening.To some it is a path of life, like a passage from here to there.

"gourmet ice chips"

2010-09-17T06:47:00.006-04:00

He was admitted confused and remained confused over most of his hospital course. What he had done no one knew. His lungs were failing so was his brain.

One day he was driving a truck, the other day he was laying on beach. He was giving instructions to nurses and getting agitated with questions. Almost all of the time he had no idea about what was going on or what he was talking about.In reality he was laying in hospital bed.

The other day he asked us to eat and drink, When asked what would he like to eat or drink, his answer was, ”gourmet ice chips”.

When someone is confuse and still vocal then realities of every day conscious inhibitions come out in open.This takes us to observe interesting aspects of our mind. To some this altered state of mind is nothing but another experience of mind over matter.

To be honest our mind is totally dependent upon matter, call it gray mater or white mater.No mater,no mind. This is it !

"can I have one cigarette"

2010-09-17T00:04:00.004-04:00

She always appeared short of breath,I wondered what was going on with her.I did diagnostic tests one after another.All those tests were pointing to one diagnosis that she might have progression of her prior diagnosis of tracheomalacia.Now bronchomalacia was also added to insult and she was short of breath all the time.Luckily her oxygen saturations were decent while awake,with activity and during sleep.She had a fighting chance.

Every day during medical rounds,she showed her frustration to keep staying in hospital.Every day I explained to her the reason behind keeping her in hospital.

One day she told me that she would like to be discharged in next two days as she had to attend this party.I did not asked the details but it did not worked out as she remained hospitalised due to her shortness of breath.

Finally after few more days of care and a definitive management plan,I was able to talk about a hospital discharge day.

The day of discharge,she asked me one question,"can I have one cigarette a day".I looked at her with a smile,rather in pity,and said,"No".

Why some people knowingly do what is not good for them.I wonder,isn't this just human.

To some their need to ask the question,like she did,is not a simple curiosity.The real question is to ask ourselves,was it just a simple need to tell what her desire was or it was more so a self defence with a powerful validation from her doctor allowing her to smoke one cigarette a day.

I felt for her but I did not fall for her !

"paper cuts"

2010-09-16T00:04:00.005-04:00

She was visiting to see a patient.There was something different about her which caught my attention.She was wearing a long flowery dress,and rather awkwardly dark make up and lipstick.She was a pretty girl at some point. In a moment all those thoughts of why,how,may be,definitely came to my mind.Those were thoughts of judgement,when we judge other people and label them.As we say that was the defining moment when we mentally undress other person for one reason or other.

I thought she don't have to show off this much.She walked by me,I kept my thoughts to myself,but I had noticed that her feet were rather swollen and she had a generalised rash.The thoughts which were there a few moments ago transformed into rather a new perspective.She was not what she looked a few moments ago.She was trying to hide disease of her skin,a condition, which I knew,felt like paper cuts.

I understood then something about life.All that dress up and all that make up was the struggle to hide all,hoping to change her skin like a dress.

I wondered then,as I wonder now.How the concept of inner beauty remains so cursory in our world of impressions.Beauty certainly is an interesting contradiction.

I felt for her and I kept her secret.

"losing voice to eat"

2010-09-15T00:05:00.003-04:00

He was a patient with a problem with his larynx and he was admitted with a tracheotomy tube.He was getting his nutrition through a nasogastric tube.

I learned quickly during my first interaction with his wife that she was a solid advocate for her husband.As I knew them overtime,though much of a surprise,they were a perfect couple;passive-aggressive-manipulative in the broader scheme of events.

During my daily patients round,I was made aware that they were in the process of making a decision to have his larynx removed surgically so that he can eat.
In essence he was willing to lose his voice box in order to eat and get rid of a feeding tube in his nose.It was known to all that eating,not talking, was his top priority.

How one can negotiate ones own compromise is mind boggling.How some people do it with such a clear mind is so unclear to most of us.They give up one vital function to keep another.This is probably one of the most difficult compromise one has ever to make.The choice made here was the one that he has to live with,a choice of no voice forever,and who knows what will be in store for him in meals !

"losing more than one can"

2010-09-14T00:04:00.004-04:00

One day I saw this man smoking outside the designated smoking area on hospital grounds.I was very frustrated as he was smoking in other peoples routine walkway.As I approached closer to him from the parking lot,I recognised him as a hospital patient.He was sitting on a wheel chair and he had no hands and no legs.He had amputations for reasons of poor circulation and he was rehabilitating.

The most interesting aspect was that a woman was helping him to smoke,putting cigarrete to his lips,he was inhaling then she was removing cigarrett from his lips and then he was exhaling smoke from his mouth and nose like a chimmney. What a shocker?

I could not take it,so I went to him and without any reservation I said,"sir this is not good".
He looked at me with a piercing gaze and replied,"what he will going to lose".

How some arguments can reach a dead end is amazingly not so simple.The only thing what made him to say what he said was his total disregard to life,his and others.
He made a selfish argument about himself with total disregard to others. His woman companion who was helping him to smoke and peoples using walkway where he was smoking.He was exposing them with his second handed smoke in the truest sence of words.

To some he may be losing more than he will ever know.Perhaps more than losing his limbs,he was losing respect !

"already accepted that he had died"

2010-09-13T00:00:00.004-04:00

She walked in with her portable oxygen tank,upset about not knowing that her husband,who was a patient, went on an appointment at a tertiary care hospital without her knowledge .I explained to her about her husband's serious condition and that the scheduled appointment was a follow up.

I did my part by explaining things in a way to comfort her.She did calmed down.Then she told me that "she had already accepted that he had died before his admission to this hospital".She continued and said,"now what ever is there is OK with her,at least he is alive".

In matter of days and weeks,the patient got better and better.
He was more alert,breathing better,talking with periods of agitation and confusion.Bottom line he was living again and not dead.

One day she asked me,"why her husband is not getting better".I looked at her and reminded her where we started in the beginning.

I wondered then,and I wonder now.How people develop expectations and lose complete perspective.This is an interesting observation which we face daily.

Yes,we can fix curable,but dying with aging and diseased organs is certainly an under reported and virtually unsaid reality.

The biggest challenge is how to convey this to all of us without getting into a confrontation.

"the eagle has landed"

2010-09-12T00:27:00.008-04:00

He was disabled from his illness for many years. Now on a ventilator with failing kidneys."I'm going to die, you know", he stated to me in greeting. I wondered was that the declaration or just a reminder."Yes,we all gonna die at some point in time",I replied.

The patient had been quite successful in his life, providing well for himself and his family. He vented his sadness and frustration of slowly losing his capacities over the years, and now being in a failing body of which he had no control. I told him,I thought he was brave to consider things in this way He told me that he was not brave, he was scared, but he was doing it for his wife. "I can't stand to see the pain in her eyes anymore", he explained.

His eyes sparkled as he talked about his "wonderful lady" and "the love of his life", noting how he could no longer be there for her in any substantial way. As I put the phone to his ear. "The eagle has landed", he said to his wife, communicating to her that he had arrived at what would be his final destination here on earth.

How someone can come to such a difficult decision out of love that most of us could not even bring ourselves to think is simply amazing.

I wonder how one can be fearful and brave at the same time.Perhaps being in love makes it easy.

"she wanted to go home"

2010-09-11T01:26:00.005-04:00

She had this look of grandmother,and I was her physician.She had her fair share of health related issues,aging was certainly not one of them.She was 91 and she was keep going.

She had bounced back to her baseline after many episodes of pneumonias,urinary tract infections and skin break downs.Even she came off of ventilator to her credit. One of her hallmark was her being a yankee fan in the hardcore redsox nation.

The other day in my daily rounds,I was told that she looked somewhat upset.I tried to ask her few questions,there were limited answers,due to limitations of tracheostomy.Finally,it was narrowed down to one answer as a tear drop rolled down on her cheeks.It was known to all that she wanted to go home.What a heartbreak,as she could not. No one can take her home as her daughter had her own issues.

How this intense desire of going home lives on in some people's mind is truly heart breaking.On one hand their souls are trapped in an aging body which does not want to just give up.On the other hand their mind keep pushing their desire to go home.This might be the struggle of a mind and a soul carried on at the expence of a decaying body.I guess this playground is just way beyond our immagination of living a life as we know.

To some,I wonder,dementia might be a blessing,offcourse in case by case basis !

"from your loving son"

2010-09-10T21:19:00.009-04:00

One day I entered this patent's room,his eyes were close,he was coughing with phlegm at the tracheotomy tube,he just needed suction.I did suction and he looked better.His parents were there and they told me," their son had been challenged since birth but he always had the best smile in the whole world".

This was their way of loving,dealing with the ultimate sadness of living through ones child suffering.To be there then and now,to defend and protect their bundle of joy.

I saw a statement on the notice board,and I asked politely,who wrote this;

"#1 dad,from your loving son".His father read with a smile in his voice.
Yes,when we treasure someone our voice has an expression of love,a joy we can't hide.

I knew that patient can't read,write,talk but yes he can communicate in ways only a parent and child can do.If doing so made them happy,I was happy for them.

How some people accept their situations,and struggle at the same time is striking.To some this is the way of living when one is a parent who takes care of a child in the struggle of a life time.

Let's salute to their beautiful hearts.

"let her die"

2010-09-09T20:08:00.009-04:00

She was a special patient,an earthquake survivor,now a cardiac arrest survivor with a residual stroke.On a lighter note,what else she needed to prove that she was here to survive,until she had to deal with this tumor in her abdomen which was growing,bleeding and killing her.This tumor was now her survival challenge. As I took care of her,I noticed an enlarging tumor which was bleeding inside and she was dying now.

She was followed up by specialists,who made their final verdict.Let her die comfortably, put her on morphine drip.I had discussions about that and her final preparations with her daughter,who showed her firm belief and faith in God Almighty,and she took it as it was with hope for a miracle.

In matter of days her tumor got complicated with growth which no one can see and the bleeding which everyone can see.Surprisingly she became more interactive with signs of improvement.Then what happened which only happens in movies,a physician offer to intervene and over a matter of days a surgeon agreed to operate and finally removed the tumor.That made her a tumor survivor.

How some people die while other survive is fascinating.Who make those decisions. Whether living or dying is a free will or predestined domain is open for discussion.The concept of code status and subject of comfortably dying looks like all cursory. We relate death with pain.May be it is disease which is painful but death,who knows what it is like to go through except to those dying now and all of us at some point in time,just not yet.

"God's way of her promotion"

2010-09-06T02:35:00.006-04:00

As I was discussing the poor prognosis of her husband,who was on a ventilator with high grade fever,I was doing the most difficult task of saying the most unpleasant truth about life.He was dying.The wife took a sigh and said,"do what you can,and I trust you".Then she continued,"for the last many days I am asking God to keep him safe in His Hands,I don't know what to do?"

She told me that when she lost her 6 years old daughter,she could not speak a single word.Now she can and probably this is a God's way of her promotion to deal with this situation.

How do people comprehend God's way of doing things is amazingly insightful.

"she had 18 dolls"

2010-09-05T19:47:00.008-04:00

The first time I entered into this patient’s room, I got scared. There was a doll in bed beside her that was starring at me. I could not have eye to eye contact,off course with the doll.

She was a patient who could not breathe,talk without assistance and ambulate so was the doll.Later I was told that she had 18 dolls and the stories at nursing station were as imaginative as nurses from different parts of world.

One day one of her favorite physician assistant visited her, and the very next day to our surprise, like we needed one, there was an additional doll,a black doll was in her bed. It freaked out all of us.

As times goes on, nothing happened and my patient took care of her dolls like a live object. We watched as other patients did, but no one said a single word.

How someone can get so deeply attached to an inanimate object is a question for a curious mind. I wonder that her doll collection was something deeper than we will ever know. It may just be a reminder that we can give meaning to any object of our desire. The more I thought about it,I was not so surprised.

Yes, dolls are part of human tradition whether it is in the form of gods, money, power or our egos. It is just we all have dolls with different faces and different names. To be honest we all do love our dolls.

"broken bones and more"

2010-09-02T18:35:00.009-04:00

He broke his ribs, scapula and clavicle while saving a deer on road. That motor cycle accident had taken away a lot from him,including his spleen.

On his first day at the hospital,as I introduced myself to him,he had this look of a hero,70 years old and just too well preserved for his age.

The other day I asked him, why he did so?
His reply was a smile with a sparkle in his eyes. He could not say a word. He had then a tracheotomy and was on a ventilator.

How some people put their lives before their safety to save others is a striking human attribute.It does not matter whether the life they save is a man or an animal. To some this may be the highest calling, a life worth living in and a life worth dying for.

"he is a good man"

2010-09-02T00:01:00.014-04:00

I got him as a patient with a challenge.The wife wanted him to get better so that she can take him home.In usual situation it was not a big deal.But in this case,the odds were desperately odd. He was on mechanical ventilator with multitude of problems..

How humans love and keep loving is beyond imagination.
One day she showed me their wedding pictures,nicely saved as a treasure.It was time captured in moments of joy.Sometimes I wish,"lets just freeze in happy times".A smile,cheese,here it is moment.The forever 'aha moment.

Then she kissed her husband,and told me that "he is a good man,he took good care of her when he was healthy".
I saw a glow on her face with a deep shade of sorrow in her eyes.That was love in action:smile,joy,sparkle,tears;all components of being in love.

In the coming days,I saw her involved,caring,maintaining the fine line not to offend egos of doctors and nurses She was there just to have the best out of a sad situation she was in. Every day she had the same goal of taking her husband back to their home. May be some day,but there and then,it was a sad love story.A princess was losing her prince in every passing by moment.

How some people try to make the best out of their worst life situations is really amazing.Can that be a simple blessing or is that a wise choice.What ever is the reason,their ways of dealing with their lives make them living a life full of human experiences.

To some living the fullest human experience is the ultimate spiritual experience of all times.

"he is a broken man"

2010-09-01T00:43:00.015-04:00

The other day I went to visit this patient.A very proud,self made,professional gentleman whose pride was a little skewed in terms of having a killer instinct.
He had a stroke which made him dependent on others but I saw enthusiasm of a conqueror in his eyes. I saw struggles.His struggle to survive and learn basic daily living skills and his family's struggle to see this proud man's daily losing battle.

One day his wife told me that a health care provider had made a comment that made her very upset.
"He is a broken man",those were the words.
Those words had echoed day in and day out in her mind.Those were the words which torn apart whatever strength left in this wife to care for a stroke survivor,her husband.

How our words can affect family members is a serious awareness issue in medical community. What we say,how we say,our words make or break people.

Words can have life of there own.Words can cause an invisible sharp razor cut or be an invisible soothing angel touch.The words,verbal or nonverbal, have lasting impact upon the morale and coping of families in a stressful time of their lives.

I wonder when will we treat all our patients like our own parents,brothers, sisters, wives,husbands,children,uncles,aunts and grandparents. Perhaps only then we will mind our own words to heal and keep our words like first do no harm !

"smiling and dying"

2010-08-31T00:54:00.006-04:00

I was out the day she was admitted on my service. In my sign out I was told that she needed hospice care and she was dying.

When I met her; she greeted me with a smile. She was on high flow oxygen, she could not breathe well but she had this angelic smile. I discussed the overall prognosis that she was dying fast. I was proud of myself that I did communicate well, until later it fall upon me that it was her not me who was communicating at all.

The very next day and over few days later, in my interactions with her, I never noticed even a glimpse of fear. She was the same smiling, greeting face, wanting to go home. Not a word uttered about scare, fear, guilt, regret, blame.

How a person can keep smiling while knowingly dying is really a privileged experience for a few. I wonder is it extreme fear of death which makes one numbed-in-smile or those are a few lucky ones who embrace their forward journey with a no-fear-smile.

Lao Tzu

2010-07-12T00:55:00.003-04:00

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage"

Lao Tzu

"the ways of the lonely ones"

2010-04-30T22:49:00.003-04:00

"this life is not merely the what it seems to be.Hidden from our eyes by the cloak of materiality is a wonderful world which only the eyes of the dreamer can see and the soul of a mystic comprehend. The stony walls of conventionalized thought and commercialized ideas shut from view life's noble path. But as the ages pass,some of the greatness of the Divine plan comprehend the glorious destiny of the human soul.Sorrow,suffering and loneliness are the great builders of character. Man never becomes truly great until his heart is broken. That is the supreme test. Those who are deepened and broadened by their experiences rise triumphant from the ruins of their dreams and pass on to fuller destiny"

(" The Ways of The Lonely Ones" by Manly Hall)

"xoxo"

2010-02-14T00:46:00.010-05:00

Hey,I am talking to you !
Today I want to tell you everything;
"You make my toes curl"
"You make my thoughts swirl"
"You make my eyes twinkle"
"You make my sheets wrinkle"

"We've got forever written all over us".

I read this card and said perfect.
And I wrote : "from heart to heart"
Then I signed this card with anticipation: "xoxo"

"kool 1O1"

2010-02-07T03:23:00.003-05:00

"I love you from every fiber of my being",I said.
And a smile was the reply.

"Do you love me the same",I asked.
And a smile was the reply.

"Though love is kool 1o1",I said.
"But I know it's not you,it's me in love".

"a long distance love"

2010-01-27T01:06:00.005-05:00

I felt you with me like a breath all this time.
Life went on with a long sigh all this time.

You are there with those unfaithful in love,
I am here with a faith in my long distance love.

Life goes on with a new season of trial and triumph,
Lets see who will have you in this upcoming season of sale.

"a castle of love"

2009-11-30T02:32:00.004-05:00

Hey !
Stop whining,and start building,
This is the left over of a promised love,
How long we are going to whine, lets shine as the dawn breaks a new day.

Stop fantasizing !
There is no Cinderella,no Prince Charming,no Santa out there.
Just you and me are here,
Lets stop whining and start building, a castle of love.

"do more"

2009-11-30T02:22:00.000-05:00

Their demand to 'do more', just put smile on my face.
I wonder will we ever learn to put down our foot and say, "it’s your turn".

I wonder will we ever stand up to our own national interests.
I wonder will we ever start behaving like a power.
I wonder will we ever stop doing what we are doing now.

"man to man"

2009-11-21T00:22:00.003-05:00

Man in power hiding behind their bullet proof lives.
Men on street exposed to bullets and bombs.

Man in power stressed with greed of power.
Men on street stressed with power of greed.

I wonder how our elite are so shameless in their lives,
I wonder how our citizen are so shameless in their lives.

I wonder when truth will speak like man to man ;
”You get your rulers from your own herd”.

Just look around; "alas! citizen and elite are of same breed ".

"collateral damage"

2009-11-19T00:08:00.003-05:00

A heart bleed for those who died in the name of collateral damage.

People are dying of unnatural causes over here.
People are killing people in the name of their hate.

A heart bleed for those who died as a collateral damage.

People are looking at their dead, numb with tears of blood asking;
Can someone has any conscience out there?

"kala kola leaders"

2009-11-10T22:57:00.004-05:00

I saw pictures of you and you and you:
Mr.President,
Mr.Prime Minister,
Mr.Chief Minister,
Mr.Leader from London,
Mr.Opposition Leader,
And now The UAE Chief's pictures……………………………….!

What is going on?
Just one thought for them:”grow up,stop acting like teens” .
“Your people need your wisdom and actions”.
“No more jets or jet black haired faces leading us”.
"I wish,may your inside is not as dyed as your hair".

"yaay"

2009-10-14T01:26:00.005-04:00

Yaay,today I am one year older than last October 13th.

I want to age with grace !
I want to celebrate my aging !

And yes I did !!

So my dear,
Yes,I had desires of conquest,glory and victory once upon a time,
Until one day,I saw myself in the mirror facing myself.
That day,I saw myself getting conquered by the passing by time.

Yes,I know:
a look in the mirror,
a need for having reading glasses,
a shade of snow in head,
a graduation certificate date
a news of a colleagues's death !

Those are the reminders:
"sub thath para rah jaway ga,jub laad chalay ga bunjara".

And the life goes on to a life hereafter !!

" beyond"

2009-10-11T04:32:00.010-04:00

"You gave words to my belief",she said.
"You gave wind to my wings", he said.

Then there was a moment of silence: no words,no winds.
But it meant a whole lot beyond words,what their eyes were saying !!

"nobel piece prize"

2009-10-11T03:47:00.004-04:00

I heard the News !!
But I want my piece of prize !!

I wish some day we will get a Nobel Prize.
But for now I would like to share my thoughts about getting a Nobel prize for my country.

I think people of Pakistan should be nominated at least for a piece of Nobel prize in some category, say in "human sufferings".

The criteria can be very stringent but we are Pakistanis,a wounded country with stabs from its own,we can easily compete with others !!

No electricity,still same electric bills,who cares.
No safe water,who cares,
No sugar,who cares.
No safety,who cares.
No business,who cares
No law,who cares
No justice,who cares
No leader,only jugglers,jokers and thieves,who cares.
No parliament,yes a dummy parliament who cares.
No jobs for well deserved educated people,who cares.
No respect to countrymen,can be for sale to other nations,who cares.

Yes we have Edhi and like souls,but who cares (certainly not the nobles).

Our people are still living and keep on living against so many odds.
Our people are carrying the burden of the rest of the world.

My fellow countrymen you deserve a piece of Nobel Prize!
I wish you the best,I love you no matter what,with or without a Prize !!

"once upon a time"

2009-10-01T01:54:00.003-04:00

Once upon a time,
This is the story of what is made in heaven.

Though it felt like a new beginning,
But our love was there since the beginning.

Though all stories start like this, as once upon a time.
Our story is the beginning of love for eternity starting right now !

"perfect,imperfect"

2009-09-08T00:20:00.003-04:00

Ages ago, I tried to hold on to her,
But my past came in between two of us !

And we moved on to have a perfect life.

I wonder, am I the only one still wondering in an imperfect world !

"karma"

2009-08-27T00:06:00.005-04:00

Ramadan,the month of blessings is here and I wonder why ?
Things don’t change with my people,and my land............ !

I don't wonder anymore !

People of my land make news with making artificial shortages.
They lie,cheat,hoard,deceive.
They cannot follow traffic laws,they cannot respect life and liberty.

I wonder why people from my land wonder;
Don’t wonder,it is simple;

Beside their leaders,
People themselves are low in character,faith and discipline.
They are victim of their own deeds: Karma.