"is anxiety a curse"

She was admitted after a cervical disc herniation which lead to a neck surgery.She was paralyzed. Her arm and legs were off,no movement,no feelings.She was left mostly with emotions.She was anxious,she was crying.That was all very understandable as who would not be if ever in similar situation.

Then good things started to happen.Her arms started to move,her breathing got better and she was able to talk on a volume compensated wean.

The dilemma was her continuous struggle to feel out of control.She was having anxiety all the time so much so that it was compromising her medical care.Luckily help was available right there in hospital.

I have read a quote "a free and relaxed mind is always in meditation".I have also read that "there is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever".

To some, anxiety is a curse,no amount of relaxation technique and or chemicals make it completely go away.

To others, a little bit of anxiety is a motivation to do well in all. Those are the one who know that keep watching your back all the time may lead you to trip and a fall.

"it is important where you put your energy"

There is a lot of change in health care,always new policies and procedure.This is a norm these days.
Who make those policies on a daily basis.
People compliant about politics and make a big deal about this and that.
Patient care,communication,customer service,cost management,all intertwined in modern medicine.
Results are read as a scale number zero to ten.Nothing stays same,look at yourself.

Where are we going?
Medicine is an art and science,not a business.
It is important where you put your energy.
There is nothing wrong in politics as long as you are not caught in politics.
Be a human,treat life and death as part of a process and die well as you die once.

"he was looking at me"

He was young and maintained to be alive by artificial means with a breath and a pulse.The rise of medical enterprise has made this possible.We thrive to keep pushing an earthly body till it get totally disintegrated either by dysfunction of organs and implanted devices or invasion by organisms.

He was brought in after a tragic accident from which he suffered multiple injuries. He was wrapped in bandages from head to legs with open areas at his eyes,mouth and neck.His wide open eyes were staring straight like looking at you.He was looking,each member of his family was convinced about that.

Sadly that was not the case.We tried to explain but it was hard for them to bear the burden of unwanted truth.He was brain dead that was the reality.

To some he was looking at them and what he was seeing,no one knew.It was like looking in dark,to see only dark.
To others he was seeing.That was their own self-limiting sight which made them blind of a reality they don't want to see.

As I saw him looking at me,I said hello,I will take care of you.I knew he can't see but I did it as a respect to his looking.

"dna of happiness"

A tear in an eye at the birth of a child.A smile on a face at the sight of a lover.
Happy moments,quest for happiness.A journey we all want.

She had trouble with her lungs,bladder and bowels so much so that her diseases start to define her as who she was.She was not happy,she was complaining,nothing seemed to working.No amount of reassurance brought her peace.

There were questions :"why she was not happy about anything".
Our answers were ,"one day at a time","body is not a machine","healing takes time".She was struggling to be happy so do we to make her happy.

What is so desirable about happiness that everyone wants it,to be happy,is it a feeling of have it all.

Some may decode DNA of happiness in love,money,material or success.To them it is a feeling of have it all.It is the proximity to a feeling of in control which makes them happy.

Others find happiness in contentment in what they have as that is all.They are the flag carriers of happy band of people who truly invite happiness in their lives knowingly that love conquer,contentment rule.

"one step forward two steps backward"

He was doing better but not yet out of woods.Life had brought its ceremonial dance of recovery,one step forward two steps backward.

One day he was on fast track to recovery then next day an emerging problem was taking away all gains as he developed fever.After few days he was feeling better then he got diarrhea.His mother got concerned about her son's recovery.She was counting steps,one step forward two steps backward.His recovery was unpredictable at that time.This happens all the times in intensive care,people take time to get better.

As his condition improved and days turn into weeks,his mother was cautiously optimistic.He was then two steps forward with occasional one step backward.

Some people develop synchrony with their ceremonial dance of recovery by acceptance while in the rhythm of chaos.Others invite impatience as their dance partner only to be miserable while recovery happen beyond their understanding in an ungrateful way.

Only a few encounter one step forward two steps backward with grace.Those are the one who keep dancing while music of uncertainty is on.They are the true survivors.

"if i only"

She was suffering from emphysema that had gone from bad to worse.Smoking cigarette was her thing,no quiting as we talked.

Her lungs were failing to exhale carbon dioxide which lead her to hospitalized.

As she started to get better and ready to be discharged,the importance of smoking cessation was reiterated.I saw a smile on her face,one of those when you think to have a winning argument,and she said,I may still get sick even if I don't smoke because of emphysema.The answer was yes.

She looked triumphed.

Then I smiled,it was a sober moment as I told her,"you will be the only person then to feel bad about yourself lying in a hospital bed telling yourself if I only had not smoked I may have better chances".

There was no wining as she looked sad.I hoped a message sink in before it get too late.

In life there are no guarantees as we have sayings like bad things happen to good people.The one thing make good people good is they have done the right thing when they are required.When bad things happen at least they are not to blame themselves.they don't have to fight if I only thoughts.

In grand scheme of things that is the strongest ally one can have.That is not to fight against oneself.

"it takes a lot of gut to follow your heart"

I have heard that before.

She was frail,recovering from a heart attack.She looked comfortable and her expressions were like a smiling face.She got married thrice,and always found a new love,she revealed herself.

She was on a roll that day as she continued,our heart speak a simple language from day one of our being in this world.That language never change but we grow up as we believe and start giving meanings to our heart's straight talk.

We never like straight answers especially if those come from our heart,she kept talking to me.That is the cause of all unhappiness and depression.

She gave me something to contemplate that day onwards.

To some matters of heart are beyond common sense and laws of probability.

Others dive in deep to have lines of communication with their own heart.They are the authors of ultimate love stories by following their heart. Those are the people who are guided through life's cake and chaos,like a marriage vow: in health and sickness be there as one.

"building a castle on soft sand"

I spoke with her family,she was not getting better.They were accepting the fact that their mom will die at some point in her hospital stay.

In the coming days she started to show some signs of stability but her prognosis remain poor.Her kidneys were failing with minimal output,lungs were venting on borrowed breaths.Though she appeared comfortable and lively.

The same family who once accepted the fact of life then start building a castle on soft sand.I saw a yawning of hope in the march of death.

This is life we all struggle to live,I heard from a colleague.

To some it is easy to see what is so obviously there and coming,that's the job of professionals.

Others who watch a slow death of a loved one live and die daily while waiting for the ultimate to flatten their castle on soft sand.

“many are called, but few are chosen”

I stopped reading the article until I read this "Many are called, but few are chosen.” I wondered,may be how it worked then and every day now.

He was admitted to hospital with a range of medical issues.Those conditions of encephalopathy,hypoxia and failure to thrive lead to final discussion with his family to decide as he would have wished in a situation like that.The decision was made for comfort measures only with withdrawal of medications not fit for the goal of passing away in peace with dignity:no pain,no suffering.

He got very comfortable,so much so that his survival day after day lead the most interesting question asked by his family,why he was not dying?

I answered them,he is a fighter.

Today as I was reading this "Many are called, but few are chosen",I got my answer.

"to step on magic carpet with anticipation"

Sometimes I struggle between what I want and what I get.I guess we all do struggle this way all our lives.

The other day there was a case of a young woman with a neuromuscular disease that had progressed to respiratory failure and dependence on ventilator.I wanted her to get better,come off ventilator,eat as she used to a few months ago.I was wishful and I had struggles.My conflict of mind and heart knocking on doors of my soul.I asked for be guided and I was lead to do my best.

Another case of an older man with end stage emphysema on high flow oxygen depriving him from eating,sleeping,talking.He was afraid of dying as if he ever fall asleep.He appeared to me like a warrior dying of his own fear of enemy.I wanted him to come out of his fear and breath life.I was wishful and I had struggles,conflict of mind and heart knocking on doors of my soul.I asked for be guided and I was lead to do my best.

We all do have our magic movements in our lives,you may see in the eyes of a lover or in the heart of a seeker.The mystery of universe revolves only if we keep asking and searching,the mystery resolve once we become part of it.

To some magic carpet and magic moments happen only in stories.
To others,magic happen on demand,they only have to do is to step on magic carpet with anticipation,"ask and you shall receive".

So I stood on my prayer rug then knelled and bowed my head asking for guidance in anticipation,"ask and you shall receive".