" love your cat"

She was struggling while lying in her bed. Lights were off in that hospital's private room but the lights of passing by automobiles were creating abstract shadows on the walls and roof of her room. The shadows were expanding and shrinking in different dimensions. She was watching those shadows as someone had put her thoughts on display via a projector on those walls.

Those shadows were representing her state of mind; thoughts not clear but were there, real and abstract with unknown meanings.

She was trying to make a decision about her sick dying cat. Her feelings were simple; she loved her cat. To her that decision was more challenging than her own health care decision she made a few days ago. She made a decision that she will go for surgery while accepting the risks to gain a benefit of uncertainty.

To some, life revolves around caring and giving, and their connection to life is the most sacred one. They honor all life forms whether a dying animal or a living human. They just care for all.

Others,  struggle to honor a life as it comes in different forms. They even struggle to accept the equality of their own life with others. The struggle goes on while peace prevails with scare of impending war. The mind is a terrible battle field to fight a war, a lot of people know but few understand.

"free dumb"

Overcoming the fear of failure is the best test-taking skill. Pass or fail is just an experience of being tested, that's it. You will be judged with your failures most often unfortunately.

He was talking and coherent. He was himself, as I had known him. I was pleased but that was yesterday.

I was called emergently the next day to the ward as the patient was agitated, pulling out lines and tubes. He was demanding to be discharged home right away.

As I entered his room, I saw him sitting on his bed. He was quiet. I gently asked him, how can I help you?

He looked at me with a faint tear is his eyes and replied, you can't do anything. I have dementia. I am sorry for creating this mess.

He was briefly coherent then.

I sat next to him with his hands in mine. I reminded him of his earlier years and his sayings like freedom is actually free dumb, there is no such thing as freedom, people will make new sets of restrictions for new definitions of freedoms. It always happens.

It appeared that he was listening. Then he broke his silence and said, who are you ?

"creatures of four walls"

This was his fourth year in the hospital, and his family had by then spaced out their visits to see him. Though he was suffering from ventilator dependent respiratory failure, failure to thrive, recurrent pneumonias and heart failure, his real suffering was being stuck in those four walls of a hospital room for the rest of his life.

His condition was not always such that it kept him hospital-bound.  At one point, he was ready to go home but his wife could not muster enough will and support.  At other times, he was hoping to get better than he already was before going home.  His plans never came through, as so often happens.  He was a permanent resident of those four walls by the time I took over his care.

By nature man is a creature of four walls; it can be a room in a house, home, hospital, prison or grave. Our struggles to build a life outside of four walls ultimately bring us back to some type of four walls, like that patient was in the hospital room.

Some people live this life with the goal of leaving it wisely. They live in walls of four seasons knowing that one season won't last forever, as will not the other seasons.  Life goes on and this time will pass, and the four walls of our dwellings change names from a room to a grave in a matter of time. The wise make a permanent dwelling wisely.

" the dream makers"

His being in the hospital was one part of the story. He was requiring oxygen, antibiotics and care of his wounds.

In war, wounds are the souvenirs of one’s presence where flesh meets metal, and where strength of flesh makes history. Disease does eat flesh like wars, but those who remain living to tell the story may not know those who took care of them.

The most unsung heroes are the medical aides doing their jobs; cleaning bodily discharges, moving when required, talking when no one else is available. They care for patients in their respective roles while the medications do their part;  time taking its course, wounds showing off and hope flickering at the cross roads of life and death. They are part of the dream makers, caring for a patient with the doctors and nurses.

To some, dreams are made in sleep; a preview of a tragedy or triumph without physical consequences.

Others become dream makers by providing the best they have, giving their best to care for the total strangers we call patients.

" cage of age "

He was in his nineties and still ticking as he described himself. Getting older is a true human legacy; aging with grace is a nice souvenir to have. He was talking to me as he was assessed for possible dementia after he suffered from a transient ischemic attack.

Knowing him brought to us the unexpected treasure hunt in our own lives; we were getting older as we discussed during rounds.

Life as we know can be defined as a living in false escapes. We can’t escape wrinkles, falls, inconveniences, diseases and doctors appointments. We strive for a life as it slips out of our bodies from this moment to the following moment until moment count is over.

To some, death is the ultimate escape from life. They know that rewards here are temporary as are sufferings; still they struggle to have it all no matter what.

Others strive to understand a balance between what matters. They are the one who know that our soul carriers namely our bodies are caged in an age log, and some day we all have to turn over our limited carriers to something gentle and light like a whisper of an angel’s wing.

A stress free body is a soul’s spa. Now is the time to act.

" understanding mind-body connection "

She was suffering from a pneumonia, congestive heart failure and renal insufficiency but the major issue was her severe arthritis. Her pain exacerbation was managed with medications and we saw a good response.

She was among one of those patients who asked me about how my day was going every time I visited her. Every time when she asked,  I replied that it’s my line; every time it brought smile on her face. 

I remembered her interaction with me and her claims of keeping a positive thoughtful mind to heal an ailing body.

To some, a mind body connection heals us all. The belief may comes from the notion that the positivity of thoughts creates positive fields of energy for healing and recovery. But it is not a simple recipe, as we all know.

Others while understanding the strength of connections go beyond. They are the ones who know that the positivity of thoughts count but the neutrality of mind matters. It is that neutral mind which let the Universe in to channel  what is required like healing and hope..

I wonder with amazement that even positive thoughts can be polarizing and may even delay creativity. I think that  keeping a neutral mind may be the biggest challenge for a mind body connection seeker.

“ time can heal or rot ”

Lying in his bed watching television he finally looked comfortable. 

He was suffering from the chronic pains after his infected legs were amputated. His legs were taken off but he was feeling phantom pain; a kind of suffering when you know it is not there but you feel  it there anyway.

He told me one day that time heals all wounds but not his; you need to be connected to your wound to let time heal it. His wounds were taken away with his legs so he can’t rely on time.

To some, time is a measure of moments to test the resilience of those who survive. They are the ones who age with grace; their wrinkles, limps, falls, walkers, canes, wheelchairs and even their prosthesis are considered a time honored ritual as time heals if there is enough of it.

Others struggle with not having enough of time; they blame time management skills or anything else, but the reality lies within them.

Just remember that it is OK to take your time as time has the power to heal or rot; the choice is there.

" death by overdose "

She did it again. She was brought into the hospital with an overdose of medications. She was resuscitated, revived and brought back to the same life from which she so much wanted to escape.

She was then doing better, and began to work on her emotions and feelings. One day she told me that it was not her drug overdose but her overdose of feelings that was going to kill her.

To some, feelings are a language of intuition; it is something like calling for a higher purpose or doing something apparently impossible to achieve. Those are the ones who are blessed with using their feelings like a guardian angel watching and giving sense to emotions.

Others lead their lives with feelings of this and that without connecting the dots. Their whole lives follow their feelings; it's something as strong as like falling and rising in love or taking away one’s own life. They are the ones whose lives become hostage to languages of emotion and the pay back can be huge.

The secret of a balanced life may be as it is; like to feel it all while knowing the difference between feelings and the drama of life.

“ hearts of heroes, lives of legends”

She was under treatment for her lung and heart diseases but she amazed me from day one of her hospital admission. She was nice, pleasant, and a mother-like character.

As days being counted from today to tomorrow and yesterdays looked better than passing by day, I saw her condition was getting worse. At one point her diseases became a poor prognosis from medical standards. As I lead the discussion about her care she chose to keep herself comfortable without any struggle. She said, I had a very good life; no regrets. Her treatment continued with limitations of no heroic measures. The rest of her stay in hospital remained calm, comfortable and being herself; nice, pleasant and a mother-like character till the end.

To some, heroes never die as it happen in movies and legends born of extraordinary circumstances.

Others wonder about the hearts of heroes and lives of legends. They know this every day secret; truly any mother fits into what is thought so rare.

" proving crystal ball wrong "

She was suffering from a tumor of glands that had metastasized; the tumor had spread its tentacles in the near and far organs, and draining life out of her.

Her condition was deteriorating every day and she was dying by all accounts, even in her looks. There were issues of pain, weight loss, infections, insomnia, anxiety, and fear of another day bringing the same misery. I saw her struggles to prove the crystal ball wrong as she told me upon admission to hospital.

Sometimes predictability is also a curse, she told me one day. I was telling her taking things day by day, one day at a time. I was there that day and the very next day and the days after the next days. I wondered with a heavy heart about the struggle of living day by day without a tomorrow of hope.

Sometimes predictability is a curse, I do remember her words.

To some, the reality is sometimes so real that they turn to a crystal ball to seek answers of their choice.

The myth of finding unforeseen answers blind us from what is seen and readily available- the answers.

Others strive to prove crystal ball wrong with their will; they keep the ball rolling until they see the face of hope coming day after day. They are the ones who know the power of awareness:  this time will pass.