Monday, May 27, 2013

" a secret hope "

He was connected to a ventilator as he was suffering from a respiratory failure, generalized muscle weakness and skin wounds.

A smile on his face was my first encounter with him upon his admission to the hospital. He was not able to talk, and he greeted me with a smile. He made me feel better in his hopeless situation that day.

As days were turning into weeks, and weeks into months his smile stayed with him as it was on day one of his admission . He never had any complaints as I remembered him and I never saw him without a smile. I did ask him reason for his smiley face and his reply was a smile: a genuine smile. I never found out whether he did that intentionally or he had a secret hope.

He remained connected to the string of life via a ventilator and his weakness progressed so much so that he could not move any of his body parts. I witnessed then his smile moved from his face to his eyes but I never saw a tear.

As my connection developed to his widow to soul, I had a great respect for him. I thought then, I was taking care of a soul rather than a failing body. That was my first ever experience of taking care of a living soul in a dying body.

I think a smiley face can be contagious, it can be triggered by just one bright smile but a tearful face usually draw more attention.

To some, a smile may not a have past but a tear usually does have a past; a story or a tragedy.

Others see a smile as a communication to future while a tear as a communication with the past; certainly both connect us to our present.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

" love your cat"

She was struggling while lying in her bed. Lights were off in that hospital's private room but the lights of passing by automobiles were creating abstract shadows on the walls and roof of her room. The shadows were expanding and shrinking in different dimensions. She was watching those shadows as someone had put her thoughts on display via a projector on those walls.

Those shadows were representing her state of mind; thoughts not clear but were there, real and abstract with unknown meanings.

She was trying to make a decision about her sick dying cat. Her feelings were simple; she loved her cat. To her that decision was more challenging than her own health care decision she made a few days ago. She made a decision that she will go for surgery while accepting the risks to gain a benefit of uncertainty.

To some, life revolves around caring and giving, and their connection to life is the most sacred one. They honor all life forms whether a dying animal or a living human. They just care for all.

Others,  struggle to honor a life as it comes in different forms. They even struggle to accept the equality of their own life with others. The struggle goes on while peace prevails with scare of impending war. The mind is a terrible battle field to fight a war, a lot of people know but few understand.

Friday, May 3, 2013

"free dumb"

Overcoming the fear of failure is the best test-taking skill. Pass or fail is just an experience of being tested, that's it. You will be judged with your failures most often unfortunately.

He was talking and coherent. He was himself, as I had known him. I was pleased but that was yesterday.

I was called emergently the next day to the ward as the patient was agitated, pulling out lines and tubes. He was demanding to be discharged home right away.

As I entered his room, I saw him sitting on his bed. He was quiet. I gently asked him, how can I help you?

He looked at me with a faint tear is his eyes and replied, you can't do anything. I have dementia. I am sorry for creating this mess.

He was briefly coherent then.

I sat next to him with his hands in mine. I reminded him of his earlier years and his sayings like freedom is actually free dumb, there is no such thing as freedom, people will make new sets of restrictions for new definitions of freedoms. It always happens.

It appeared that he was listening. Then he broke his silence and said, who are you ?