"what is worse than pain"

Pain scares everyone but she was not one of those scared by pain.I had seen that.She had gone through many procedures for large open draining wounds but pain had not touched her as it did to us by just looking at her wounds.We always wondered why she was not in pain,and the best part of us always cried,she should be in pain.

One day as we did her wound care,she looked uncomfortable making noises.I asked her about pain on the scale of one to ten.She looked at me and said,pain is bearable but what I have is worst than pain,I am extremely nauseous.

To some,the notion of no gain without pain do not go too far.They may need to have luck on their side to have it all.

To others,what is worse than pain,it may be nausea.

"recycled emotions"

She came to us after a bad fall,she broke many bones.She had no complaint of pain, nor she ever reported any during our ward rounds,nursing care and rehabilitation sessions.

She was tough.She told me that she is just not into pills.One day,she looked quite uncomfortable so I talked to her about my concerns and how we can help in terms of her pain management.She agreed to disagree by saying that she is just sore,it does not hurt.

The next day during rounds I found her crying,I asked her about her pain and offered her help,she declined by saying she was not in pain.Then she continued by saying, the day was reminding her of husband's death twenty three years ago and she still feel so much pain,it hurts.

To some,physical pain is the ultimate cry for help.To others,recycled emotions bring back so much pain that even time cannot heal.

"beyond self righteousness"

I knew her since we joined our residency program,she was different from other residents.She was upfront,talkative and had a habit of smoking.

Now she was there with a terminal lung cancer.I was sitting next to her bed,her husband was sitting next to her.We were talking about memories of old good times.

I think this is the way people talk when they are going through bad times.All we did was talking and talked about those times when nothing was impossible,death and disease was not a possibility.Certainly not for us.

She told me about many things including how firm she was with patients who use to smoke.How much she struggled to quit smoking,and how she felt when she tried to convince patients to quit when she herself was struggling with it.She finally did.

To some,she was a hypocrite.To others,her act to save others with the same poison which was killing her was beyond self righteousness.

"self controlled experiences"

He had been in and out of hospital so many times that we all lost the count.Every time he went home he was back in hospital with something new.

He had real issues of heart and lung diseases,and he was told about being on a bonus life many years ago by his doctors.

As I knew him over his stay in hospital,I felt for him.His desires were simple like get better,go home,take care of his bills and house.The problem was his lack of understanding of his life reserves.His lungs,heart,kidneys and joints were not the same as before.

One day he told me that he want to do things in life just make him better.

To some their self controlled experiences of living a life make them miss the living with limitations and adjustments.Others do necessary adjustments to live with diseases as a part of human experience.

I found life's self controlled experiences are life limiting.Those struggle of living,as we know, takes away life from living and who wants to live a dead life.

"paradoxical hope'

She was dying young as I saw her during our daily morning rounds.She had a failing liver with all hallmarks of it.Her abdomen was distended,her skin and eyes were yellow and her face was pale.The only question came to my mind was,"what she has done to herself".

The sad part was that she was dying young just before the age of medical renaissance.
The age of stem cell now moving towards an age when organs can be build in near future.I thought that with a heavy heart.

As a day turn into a next day over those few days I saw her desire to be alive,she had a spirit of fighter though her chance was dismal.One day I sat down with her during her more lucid movements and told her that. She looked at me and said,"if I manage to be alive I am with my loving family here but if I die I will be with my loving family there".

Surely over next few days as her mind was getting more encephalopathic,she was more and more talking about meeting those who had gone before her.

To some paradoxical hope of remaining in the presence of their loved ones is a concept we ponder as we move on in our own lives. To others it dose not make sense to ask for the same whether alive or dead.

I think paradoxical hope is a mean to come to terms in whatever outcome we get and be in peace .

"wisdom of ages"

He was a successful businessman.He got older and sick.His problems included a complicated pneumonia,failing heart and an anxious mind.As he started to improve he got more anxious about his business.He knew it all,he had plans for next hundred years.

One day I asked him about his plans after his full recovery.He told me how other people are missing and messing things in his business.He would have done this way,others were doing things that way.I saw that he was not happy,he was worrying about everything;decisions,contracts,payroll,bills.

To some their aging experience teach them to delegate responsibilities and trust people.Others fight to regain their control as they have done all of their lives.The struggle of managing stuff keep them away from experiencing a chance,probably the last chance,to sit back,relax and let go of what is not so important.

I think the real adventure start with losing the control and being cool while watching others taking care of your stuff in their own style.That is the wisdom of ages:faith,discipline,unity.

"no wi fi required"

We all age with time.Our timing measure success,luck,rise or fall,you name it.I was talking to a grieving widow.She was in her sixties and whose husband passed away recently.The multitude of medical issues made it clear to us that it will take time to heal wounds inflicted by time and disease.
Her wounds included those of mind,soul,feelings and loss.

I was ill,when he died,I was in hospital.She told us when we had our ward rounds.
I don't know what happened to him,I was not there for him.I miss him so much. She said with tears rolling down on her face.

I looked at her and held her hand,during that moment I wanted to be honest and compassionate,not always an easy one.
I said,I am sorry for your loss,he is not in this world but what can we do to make this world as beautiful as your love for your late husband.

She looked at me,and said,Have you had lost a loved one.

As I looked at her eyes,she saw my teary eyes.She smiled,"I am a teacher with two masters degrees,I know all".

To some personal stories need a paper,pen and audience,others tell stories in tears with eye to eye contact as no wi fi required.