Friday, April 15, 2011

"I love being in love"

He was a writer and he was in bed.What a combination,he had all the time in world to observe and pen down his thoughts.His muse was the hospital environment so to say that.

All day while recovering from his hip surgery,besides physical therapy he was thinking and working on his novel.One day he asked me,what do I want,a loving heart or a forgiving heart.I knew what I want but that was not the point.

He smiled as he saw my reluctance and said,he will take a forgiving heart over a loving heart in a split second.

I wondered,what was so great about forgiveness that even love cannot compete.I did not ask that question.

Now I am reading his novel with a proclamation that a loving heart is a forgiving heart.

I love being in love!

"cactus in paradise"

From the time he was diagnosed,he never felt well.Every day was a struggle.

He was a naval personnel whose life was marred with exposure to asbestos.He developed mesothelioma as a consequence.The invasion of tumor progressed like a conquering army destroying every fiber of his being in its way.

One day during examination, I noticed his chest with a growth which eventually became something like a cactus.I saw that with open eyes,though I wanted to close them.

He did not suffered much as he died soon.I think back with a feeling of sadness.

How our experiences in life affect our psyche so much so that I prayed for his moving on in peace.I did struggle for that prayer.

I hope may there be no cactus in paradise.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

"he was stuck in present"

There was no one out there to take care of him,I was told that he was hospitalized for years.His medical conditions warranted a level of care which could only be provided in a hospital setting.I saw him day in day out,starring at roof,drooling,connected to oxygen,feed by tube.That was his life.No word,no past,no future.He was stuck in present.

Sometimes It takes a life to give a life.In that situation,It felt like all that was taking life out of life.

The sad part was that he looked to me as being suffering without knowing.I knew that he had dementia.That not knowing was his blessing,I did not agreed.I felt his pain of not knowing.

I wonder what ones suffering does to other being may be the truest life lesson we are supposed to learn.
In our knowing and feeling of others suffering,the notion may not be to get down but to rise and stand up for those who cannot stand for themselves.
The weakest stand up may be feeling sad for a sufferer but the highest calling can be holding hands and pulling up the fallen ones.

I stood up for him as I remembered that humanity is our common destiny.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

"obituary of a dream"

There can be an obituary of a dream,I agreed.But what I was reading was titled as an obituary of a love.How can love die,I am asking this question.

They were a so to speak a perfect couple,they met each other on a cruise while both vacationing though separately in their sixties.They fall in love and got married.The fairy tale stories are never ending though their story ended with a heath issue.He suffered a heart attack,sudden without any prior history.He underwent bypass surgery,complicated with a stroke,then pneumonia,ventilator support and later did not recovered.

Over days of care and keeping her informed,I learned as if their match was made in heaven,it appeared they were soul mates too.She adored him so much that I wondered how life sometime takes a life time to reveal.Why now was the question,like this ,to just take it away.

She told me that she will post an obituary,and I was reading that.

To some,love strike with a cupid only to pierce their heart to bleed,leaving behind memories to talk about without a celebration.

Too late,to end so soon,love is mysterious in its own way.That was her closing line.

"nature groom's us to grow up and grow out"

The purpose of life is to live with experiences.Some may say that life is a live in experience.Nature does groom us to grow up and grow out.The struggles of life brings questions like why good things happen to bad people and why bad things happen to good people.Why young die and old live,the disasters of wars, tsunamis, floods, earthquakes,famine.While lives of thousands change forever,lives of billions remain unchanged.There are joys,sorrows,issues of global warming, corruption,job security, traffic jams,births,marriage,divorce,disease.Every one live in experiences,some may say that we live in a recycle of experiences.

He was young and he wanted to be a basket ball star.All his heroes were game players.When I met him,we develop instant connection.He talked about every single game,he did not miss a single game.He told me that he was pretty fast in court.I saw his college video I agreed, man he was electric.

He was admitted to hospital after a gun shot.The bullet lodged at his spine.He survived but became paralysed waist down.He will never walk again.He told me once that life has played game with him.

Over years I saw him growing up and growing out.He got involved in life,with life,for life.He enjoyed game and talking about it.I wondered how person of his age got wisdom of ages for survival.He made us look tall,while he remained bed bound.

To some,when life experiences bring a challenge of survival they take it with a choice.Nature then groom them to grow up and grow out.Others struggle in their lives to experience more until they become ready.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

"readiness to accept"

He was in hospital for almost a year,before that he was still ill.

When I met him ,he was a nonverbal,emaciated,contracted man.Only way to know about his ways of life was through his involved wife. She claimed that he was a good man.

I know that bad things can happen to good men and I know that there is a reason behind this,though our capacity to reason has its own limitations.Over all he was a good man stuck in a body with a stroke of fate.

Over time of his illness,his lungs start to failing then he became dependent on a ventilator.He got pneumonia,and develop sepsis.A decision was made to keep him comfortable via opiates and anxiolytics.We all were ready to accept the ultimate outcome,day after day,as those pass by in moments of anguish and struggle between life and death,we saw a life which does not want to leave a body.

He got better !!

His wife had tears of joy,she said,he always does this to her.Lord has answered her payers.she was ready for that for years.

I wonder,how much our readiness is enough to accept situations as they are,without a tear,without questioning and without doubting ourselves.

To some, they find readiness to accept with ultimate demise of hope in time.Others find their way to cope,as being human,in prayers.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

"meeting strangers at the last station"

In our line of duty we meet total strangers,some of those become routine acquaintances,others become friends.

Even those who we serve as a face,touch our lives in a unique way,they guide us at our own crossroad of life's experience.We talk if they can then we know who they are.

The short coming of a medical record is the division of a patient's life into a format which includes present compliant,history and examination.The time constraint of modern day medicine practice create lack of a personal touch.

I am honoured to know so many patients who in the beginning were total strangers,who then became friends.They left at their time of departure,but meeting those strangers at the last station make me think,the fundamental question:how much success in this world is the real success.

To some,the last station in their journey is a hospital bed with a Tracheotomy,Gastrostomy and a Foley's catheter.I wonder what would they have done differently if the foresight of their limitations at last station had been thought through before hand.Our basic needs to breath,to eat,to void can make us so incapacitated that at times no amount of name and fame can bring those back.

Life is a journey and the purpose of life is to live with experiences without missing the sight of departure at the last station.Good byes can be so long.
This can be our own story in making,a foresight of what is important now and what future will hold.